To Perceive an Image

Fifty-Five: Images of Honest Retellings

Maryanland, December 06, 2040, 10:02 AM.

Living every day of my life since the day I got discharged from the hospital was, in a word? Uncomfortable. In several words? Quite uncomfortable.

Noir's silence and unpredictable potential attacks unsettled me in every way. Although, I don't know which has more of a grip on me.

No, I've made my decision. The mental ways controlled by my mind had a tighter grip. Let's not forget that the intensity of the fear embedded inside my brain affects my health. Recovering from my injury took a lot longer because my damn mind could not cooperate with me or anyone else. Well, both injuries, the stabbing and compromising asthma post that burning night. Sleeping in peace was out of the question, let alone eating a fueling amount of food.

All I think about 24/7 is Noir and how I should protect myself and my loved ones from him. That also included my parents.

Fear is all I've known for the past few weeks.

There's nothing I loathe more than when my mind grasps one negative emotion and never lets it go.

I've fallen into a spiral of feeling unsafe wherever I go. To make matters worse, I've grown both overprotective and unprotective at all of myself.

Overprotective in the way I indulge in habits that make my trembling hands engage in a tight hold on Sapphire or Lyaly's hands. Unprotective in the way I have neglected my health because I find it will be useless when Noir kills me the next time I see him.

This isn't healthy, I know damn well it isn't. I'm seeking help from a therapist who works in a clinic far from mine. She's helping me the best she can, but even a trained professional can't move my rock-solid mind of mine. It's not her fault- it's mine. Talking to her calms me down, but all fear returns as soon as I exit her office.

I don't know when I'll recover, but it better be sooner than later. I can't live the rest of my life like this.

If I live long enough to live the remaining quantity of my life left, that is.

For someone who let herself lie on the ground with a knife in her abdomen without trying to help herself, I sure fucking feel protective of myself right now.

It won't last.

I have a feeling about that too.

"Aza, wake up, beautiful," a gentle coo working to lure me into waking up startled me despite its tone. My eyes shot open the widest they could, looking around the room for potential danger.

Lyaly jerked back before frowning the same way she does every day when she wakes me up, and I react like this. She doesn't have the heart to voice sympathy, but I know she feels pity for me. I know she does when her eyes glisten and from the deep frown. Every day, she wipes her eyes and conceals her frown with a smile before helping me get up and ready for the unpredicted day.

"Anya's over, and she made breakfast, join us, please?"

I nod, raising the corners of my mouth in a smile. I don't want to see Lyaly upset as soon as I wake up because of me. Let today be the day I keep her and Sapphire at ease.

Speaking of Sapphire, they've gone haywire with the witness protection thing. Calls every hour, messages every half hour, nonstop checkups wherever I am during the day, and everything above and in between. They've even gotten their partner in on this. I can scold Sapphire as a joke as I please, but Anya's too kindhearted to scold, even as a joke. So I let them both do it. I can't lie- it makes me feel better.

Because if you get attacked and have moments left, they'd be able to get to you before you let death consume you?

Yes.