Cracked To the dredges

Chapter 9: I shall stutter proudly along the way

           Three days passed by unfrivolously. I stayed in my solid routine of three hours of exercise and healthy eating--though it was hard to resist bakery goods of Boston Cream Pie and stuffed Croissants with chocolate and fresh steamed walnuts along the way. The salted peanuts, hot dogs, and fluffy buttercream pancakes were hard to resist. I had not strayed but was not afraid of doing so because even if I did have a piece of pie I would make sure to get a tiny one, more of a taste until I lost some weight. 

              I got into the rhythym of waking up, exercise, showering, classes (in which I was doing exceedingly well may I say), work, exercise, studying, gardening, and bed. The cycle would start again everyday and the days I had free of work I would take jogs to the harbor near Pennsylvania and look out at the beautiful ships, ocassionally visiting the monuments. Work consisted of mostly me filling in 6 of the 7 days because Justin (the guy who had introduced me to the manager) would go off with his friends and slack off.

                    I didn't mind because I just got extra pay and my manager said if I worked like this, I would get a raise next month. One day I walked around campus looking at extracurriculars today, I decided to do some sports like volleyball and soccer which were a one hour practice though I was not much of a sports girl.After volleyball on Tuesday when I had no work I would go to Art classes where we were doing pottery and painting. And soon after soccer on Thursday, I would take Piano classes for cheap though they were private;. On the last day I had off from work, Saturday, I had track and, reading club, and community service.

           I knew I was perhaps clouding myself with too much work, but I enjoyed it. I loved helping out at the humongous library where children would learn to read and I could read books to them. I loved exercising which I never thought I would like because I never exactly liked it and I loved learning Fine Arts and Literature. Deep down I was just trying to relive the real highschool experience I never had where I was supposed to be healthy, happy for absolutely no reason whatsoever, and giggling all the time.

          Pain would always be there yes, but I grew accustomed to gardening periwinkles and petunias, sometimes even around 8:00 with my porchlights on and the bamboo blinds driven up. I grew accustomed to feeling peace, to healing. 

        The busy, relaxed atmosphere and crisp clean windy weather of Pennsylvania kept me alive. The autumn leaves swirling in the occult twilight rejuvenated my sense of fantasy and I would write, type in my cheap little blue netbook, spilling pages on pages of experience and imagination.

                   I finally felt that I was regaining my sense of feeling young, of naivete, of seeing all the good sides of life when the horrid parts would become evident. Even though I had not made new friends on campus, I had made new friends everywhere else---with the teachers, the elderly and the young I helped out, the people at starbucks who knew I would always get a yoplait and raspberry mocha to go even if I was cursing at the wind

                 Things were finally flowing and changing and sifting, and all I had to do know was increase the interaction I had with people my age because I would stay an old grandma inside until I expanded some of my social connections somehow.

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                A month had passed by now and I would go through my disciplined schedule because never felt disciplined because it was self imposed. I would also go to art exhibitions, small symphonies, and even tried going to the Philly's games this month. Picnics near the port and luncheons near the soft gardens surrounding my apartment area were a constant delight. The only problems was all of these events were went to alone. 

                I finally made up my mind to make friends, I was gaining self confidence back. I had lost my acne because I had bought two creams from the pharmacy which cleansed my face and fixed my scars. I had brought an electronic shaver, shaving my armpits and legs that would get very hairy. Now that I had lost 30 pounds though, going to 100 pounds at 5 foot 3, all muscle, I had lost most of the crazy hormones, oily sebum, and the hirsuitism. I learned how to pluck my eyebrows into perfect arches, how to apply a little makeup and how to treat my hair to deep oil treatments once in a while.

                 The first step would be to get new clothes which I knew I needed. My exercise having payed of got me abs and though I was not a stick, I had toned everything, however my boobs were unfortunately still too big at a size C, ugghg. 

                 On a silent morning in the beginning of October, I went on a reconaissance mission: to change my wardrobe. I did not want to look like a slut but have a feminine look---one of sophistication and yes one that spoke of fashion and well educated opulence. I went into the mall, a zoo I had never explored before interestedly due to my mental urgings that knew I wouldn't fit properly into anything. Before my hips were as large as a cookie platter but now though I was still very curvy (I loved being curvy though), I had a tiny waist and well adjusted hips. 

                   I looked through express, loft, coldwater creek, and victoria's secret. I had bought soft silky shirts that were multicolored and modern looking with a couple t shirts of white, red, forest green, sky blue, and pink with some camisoles. I bought skirts at Express and soft knits at Loft with JYND jeans that fit me at size 2 petites (mostly all boot cut except for two) and shorts. Everything I had looked business like, with my flowery autumn shirts to crisp crinoline gray silk trousers. Everything centered around darker colors that to me showed sophistication.

                 I had claire's white stud earrings but this time I went out and bought a swarovski platinum like watch---though it wasn't, 2 bracelets from pandora and three from coach, and a brown brahmin snake skin leather bag with fifteen pairs of shoes, mostly flat shoes like gladiator sandals or mocassin like sandals from clarks or two or three flats but I had two sets of heels, one black stilettos which would work for anything and another pair red ones that were Antonio Melani wedges encrusted with little glinted diamonds.

                    My last few purchases were ten scarves of various colors and a pair of Fendi glasses. Everything cost $8,000 but frankly I was able to use it because I had earned that much $10,000 through savings and though this was a big investment, it would benefit me. I had also learned from clinique professional how to put on some Shiseido paint eyeliner I had bought, some eyeshadow which I got in seven shades in a little compact box, and four lipglosses. I already had mascara, mother's that I had taken from home.

                     Now I finally had to face the world, but I would do so armed.