Just A Troubled Mind Looking For Peace

Nothing but Trouble

Im not supposed to like you
I dont want to get hurt
And I know actions
Have their consequences
But that's only if
I take that step

I find myself grieving
What i wont let happen
And though it hurts terribly
I cant deal with another one
But i cant bring myself
To completely swear i wont
Ever let something pass

~
And i know that will just lead to more disappointment eventually but im trying to live for now and i cant see myself being alive longer than 2 months more and God damn it WHY not. ...I know. Because im such a mess and i cant consciously set myself up for failure. And i even if i know its short term i cant stand not having that deeper connection that ive never been able to forge because of my own lack of communication. And i hate myself for it. I really do. and i cant stand the thought of leaving behind someone who cares... even a little bit.
~~
And then.there is the whole question of how you see me. I know what i feel, at least as much as i can decipher, but that doesnt say what you feel. I have my optimistic theories, but they're rarely correct when dealing with real life.. so im left in the dark and the only way to really know is to ask you. And even then you might lie to save face, or use half truths or whtever else. And id also have to ask the right questions to get anywhere. And what if my theories are way off? Then I'll just end up looking stupid and mayhap have one less person to talk to. I mean... i know there's something there... the undercurrent of caring and want and hard to miss... or am i imagining it.
~~~
Have you every really listened to a group of fickle guys discussing women in general? Its quite eye opening, even from one who is constanly surrounded by them. And have you heard decent guys discussing women. It just makes you think... and a lot more conscious of what you do and what you tell who and what you do with who. It makes you weary of opening yourself up to the possibility of that and cautious of who you approach because you want someone who will care enough not to do such things. Remember, to me, those things should be kept in the darkest of rooms in the farthest of corners and, to me, the carelessness with which they discuss these things seems so taboo.

~~~~~~~~~~

Sorry. Its a bad night. ... bad week, to be honest. Im having multiple friendship strains and problems. Anxiety about plans that have been falling through. Guy issues that arent really issues but leave me exhausted anyway. And this senior thing. And my summer plans are stressing me out. And just.... im having trouble.