(denial)
after all this time, i held myself from looking at your social medias, who would've ever thought that stalking your Spotify gave me the answers. you said, "I've found my happiness" and my heart shattered to a million pieces, but still, i told myself that it was a lie. a hoax, just a facade. how could my happiness be happier with someone else? how could the girl of my dreams, has fallen in love with another? i shouldn't have stalked really. i knew knowing too much also means that i purposely put myself in a position where i could get hurt again. and i was right.
(anger)
i should be wishing you well, but this isn't that innocent and pure me who's writing. this is me that is full of envy and denial. me who has always been in the wrong, me who is blamed for my deteriorating mental health, me who has loved you but couldn't make it work. i should be cursing the fates, the shooting stars, every single four leaf clover's, but i shouldn't.
(bargain)
i shouldn't because i said it myself, you deserve happiness, even if you're with someone else. but then, if I promised one last time to make it work? Would you? will you accept me back to your embrace?
(depression)
but why would you? why would you take the risk of losing me or worse yourself again? why would you stick your neck out for a worthless piece of shit like me? i dont deserve you. Never did never will. I deserve to die and rot in hell. maybe your words were right, i was faking it, the entirety of our relationship was a goddamn play. why in god's name would i ever fall for you? fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. all i did was fuck up the things that i built to last. never minding the outcomes, i just fuck it all up. never minding the people i love the most get hurt, i do shit again and again. selfish, arrogant, obnoxious and self proclaimed fucker that's all i am.
(acceptance)
it has been 124 days since your last text, I have been, swimming through the ups and downs, maybe soon I'll get better, maybe soon I won't, maybe soon I'll be able to accept this life and maybe, just maybe, I might just take mine. I have spent days and months praying one or two things. That God would take me away for I am not fit for living or God would take away this heavy feeling in my chest. But one thing that I have slowly got used to, is, you, my heart, will never come back to me. And that's okay, because after all this time, love had always been something I'm not good at. And now, finally, I've accepted. That you can still love someone who's not in love with you. And what they call true love is being able to pray for the best for them even though they're already with someone better than you.
