How You Remind Me

31

"Hark the herald angels sing, glory to the newborn king!"

I rolled my eyes and shoved my cold hands in the pockets of my wool jacket as my nieces and nephews, along with their mothers and my own all stood in front of yet another neighbor's house and interrupted their Christmas dinner.

Even in the better years I hated this part of Christmas. For one, I don't sing. Two, I don't like standing out in the cold. And three....well there was no three. I should be happy. Meredith was standing beside me and I loved the girl but she couldn't carry a tune if it were in a bucket. But I loved the glow in her face as she joined the children in song.

Adelaide, the youngest of the bunch walked around from her spot in front and held her hands up to Meredith, she leaned over and scooped the little tow head up. She nuzzled her head into Meredith's shoulder and I felt a hitch in my chest.

Adelaide was the age that our baby would've been, and to see her snuggle into Meredith's arms like that...well it made my mind wonder.

I felt my throat close off and my eyes burned. No, I wasn't going to do this now. I was over it, I'd moved on. Meredith and I were going to get to know each other and go from there...I didn't want to dig into the past. But it seemed like the harder I tried to not go there the more furious it came. I gasped and I saw Meredith's head snap towards me. I turned; not wanting her to see what was falling from my eyes and walked down the icy street.

Maybe fresh air rushing against my face would make it stop.

I saw the park I'd been in the day before. It looked like a magical winter wonderland as it glowed in the moonlight. My feet crunched through the snow as I walked down the cement path the wound through it.

I wondered why. I seemed to be ok with it, why was now the chosen moment that I suddenly was not okay. Why was it aching like this after so long...I didn't understand?

"Derek."

I stopped and closed my eyes. Why was she following me? Didn't she get that I wanted to be alone. Then again, if anyone could understand it was her...she'd been through it too.

"Derek what is it?"

I sniffled and turned around to see her approaching me through the darkness. Her arms were empty, and that made me ache even more. She looked alarmed as soon as she saw the moisture running down my face.

"Derek." She breathed.

"I just...You...we could...I." I stuttered as I tried to get a hold of myself "I don't understand!"

"Don't understand what?"

"I don't understand.." I muttered "why it had to happen. I don't understand why we're not happy right now, why you aren't holding our baby in your arms, I don't understand why we had to fall apart. I just.. I don't understand why I'm so angry about it all the sudden."

She gulped "It's finally hitting you." She whispered

"Why now!" I paced and kicked some snow "I thought I was over it, I was ok."

"Because you never let yourself get angry over it before."

"I sure as hell am not letting myself now."

"If you don't let it out, it'll let itself out eventually." She said as she took a cautious step forward "Trust me, I know."

She took a few more steps and pulled me into her. She wrapped her arms around my waist and I let out a breath I'd apparently been holding. I closed my eyes and absorbed her warmth. The tears slowed and the ache inside of me died down as I stood there pressed up against her.

"I'm sorry." I whispered finally.

"For what?" she mumbled against my coat "Being human?"

"Yeah." I chuckled dryly "I guess that's all we are."

"I think about it too you know." She said as she pulled back and smiled.

"Think about what?"

"About what he or she would be like. About what it would feel like to hold them. Sometimes it hurts, and I let it hurt. Hurting is part of healing."

"When did you get so wise?"

"I've always been wise." She rolled her eyes "When did you finally open your eyes to that?"

"Ha!" I chuckled. Then grabbed a clump of snow and tossed it at her, she gasped as it hit her chest and scattered, she looked at me shocked and wide eyed "If you're so wise why didn't you see that coming huh?"

"Oh you are so going to pay for that Derek Shepherd!"

She stood there for about three point four seconds before charging at me, swiftly grabbing two handfuls of snow and then proceeding to shove down the front of my coat.

She squealed and shrieked as I fought back with my own snow filled hands.

Somehow we fell onto the soft powder and looked at each other and burst into laughter. I felt my ears tickle at the sound of her giggle; it was always a delightful noise...one that I treasured and missed in the last year.

I looked over at her, watching the moonlight dance across her face, creating a glow across her skin. Her green eyes sparkled as they turned to me; I reached over and rested my cold palm against her cheek, it warmed it immediately as the skin under her my hand flushed crimson.

Our laughter died into a soft panting motion and I leaned my face into hers until our lips touched.

Hers folded open just enough to envelop mine. They were still a perfect fit. My tongue slithered into her mouth and I pushed myself against her, hovering, my hands rushed up her cheek and raked into her honey blonde hair.

A moan escaped-I wanted to remember more of her. Yes we were starting over, but it was hard to erase ten years of memories.

"Derek." She gasped against my swollen lips. "If we're taking it slow we better stop."

"Right." I chuckled and rolled off her, "Plus it would kind of suck to get frostbite on the ass."

She giggled as I helped her up "Who would be silly enough to do that?"

"Very silly people I would assume."

"We better get back."

She smiled brightly and held out her hand, I felt a rush of relief as I took it and we walked hand in hand out of the park. I found myself feeling at ease immediately, it was thrilling starting over, but it was comfortable having the history there too.

Maybe this wouldn't be so hard after all.