How You Remind Me

23

"That one's pretty hot."

"That's nice." I mumbled as I took a sip of scotch and stared directly at the television screen "Oh nice score!"

"At least someone is scoring." Mark sighed. I turned my eyes away from the screen momentarily to scoff at him "What?"

"You seriously expect me to pick someone up right now."

"Well you're single, eligible...why not?"

"Why not." I muttered "Because I'm spending Christmas at my mother's house, with all my sisters around, and Meredith. And you expect me to bring some random chick home to all of that? Torture is what you're suggesting."

"It's not what I'm suggesting." He sighed and hung his head "I'm trying to spark the conversation I want to have with you by not just coming out and saying it."

I groaned inwardly, I knew this was coming.

"You've always been a just come out and say it guy Mark." I sighed "So just come out and say it."

"What happened!" he blurted out angrily "I feel like I don't even know you anymore man. You don't call, you don't write... ok you never wrote me. But you know, a text every now and then would be nice. And Meredith! Seriously? You let a rockin hot chick like her go after ten measly years! Are you fucking kidding me? Are you FUCKING kidding me!"

"Jeez Mark." I scowled "Don't hold back any."

"Sorry." He let out a sharp breath "I've been holding that in a long time."

"Apparently." I nodded. He turned and looked at me, waiting for an answer. I sipped my scotch and then set it on the bar with a soft sigh "I don't know what happened. Life...that happened."

"That's a shit worth answer."

"It is a shit worth answer." I agreed "But I have nothing better to tell you. I got successful, I got busy, Meredith and I, well we fell apart."

"But it's Meredith man." He impressed "She's the sparkly eyes girl...or whatever you used to call her."

"Meredith, with the eyes that sparkle." I chuckled as I remembered the stupid nick name I came up with for her in a bar one night. "And yeah... I let her go. I don't know Mark. I just, so much happened."

"Tell me about it." He shook his head "I love Addie to death but sometimes I feel like we're about to end any day now. Marriage...I don't know what the big deal is anymore."

I furrowed my brow as I sat there listening to my friend. I would never have guessed by their demeanor in the airport. They looked like our good old friends.

"She wants a baby. She reminds me every time she gets her monthly bitch attack that her eggs are getting more fossilized by the day. And I just... I don't know man. I'm me, I'm Mark, former manwhore. Before I met Addie there wasn't a lady who had a chance if I wanted to take her to bed. I'm not dad material. I can't be a parent. I'll be reading him my little black book as a bed time story."

I snickered a little at the sight of that... sad that I could actually see it.

"And you and Mer... I mean you went down that road and it didn't work out. Now look what happened."

"It was more than just losing a baby that did Meredith and I in Mark." I retorted, I stared at my hands on the bar for a long second and sighed "It was how we reacted to losing the baby. I wanted to recover by making another one. And she was still hurting over the loss of that one. She couldn't go down that road, and I turned my back on her when she needed me most. I was hurting and she was too. And instead of turning to each other we turned away...we got lost. We fell apart."

"So it wasn't having a baby then?"

"No." I rolled my eyes, I finished off my scotch and stared at the empty glass "And marriage, the big deal is the ring."

"Pardon me?"

"The ring." I nodded to his left hand where a strip of gold laid "Its round-never ending, its precious. It signifies a promise that you make to each other. It says that when she's weak you'll be her strength. When she's crying you'll give her a shoulder to cry on. When she's having a bad day, you'll bring home the wine. It's about the ring, it's not a piece of jewelry-it's a commitment."

I let out a soft shaky breath as I looked at my bare left hand. If you looked closely enough, you could still see a faint white strip where a piece of gold jewelry kept that spot from getting any sunlight for ten years.

My hand felt naked suddenly. My finger felt completely wrong and void of something that I missed. And it wasn't the ring that I ached for.

"Just do yourself a favor before it's too late." I mumbled "Don't lose the love of your life over your own selfish desires."

Mark was tastefully silent. Just comforting me with his presence, but that's what he did.

"Hey man," he finally sighed "It's still not too late."

I scoffed and shook my head "We're divorced Mark, it is too late."

"If it's about the ring; about the commitment. You still gave her a ring, you still made a commitment. Just because a piece of paper in Seattle says that your marriage doesn't exist anymore doesn't mean it's non-existent in your heart and soul."

I sighed and rolled my eyes as I let out a bitter chuckle.

"What?"

"I'm getting heart advice from an ex-manwhore."

"Yeah, well I'm getting marital advice from a divorcee."

"Then I guess we're both screwed."

He laughed "Yeah, I guess we are."

We went back to watching the game. Or at least he did, I just stared at the screen and tried not to think about how much his advice made sense.

I'd never tell him that anyway.