How You Remind Me

21

"Good afternoon passengers of Jet Blue Airways flight 293. We'll be taking off momentarily so please fasten your seatbelts."

I laid back against the first class seat of the airline that was taking me from Seattle to New York.

I wasn't looking forward to the flight but not, not looking forward to it. I wasn't really anything these days. I just wanted to feel something that I could put my finger on.

Since I pulled Meredith out of the rain a few nights ago, I couldn't get my mind off of her.

I loved her, but I was afraid to love her. I cared about her but I was still very angry with her. I wanted to kiss her but I also wanted to run. I was feeling so many things that contradicted themselves I just didn't know where to start because I wanted to know where it would end.

No way was I giving my heart back to someone who didn't know what they wanted either. She said that all she knows is that she still loves me....it's not enough.

Maybe we just needed closure.

I closed my eyes as the plane started to make its way down the runway. I found flying relaxing and soothing. All you had to do was sit there really. I chuckled to myself as I remembered how freaked out Meredith would get sometimes.

She hated flying; absolutely abhorred it.

I must've really been reenacting my memory because I started to hear my thoughts speak.

"Ma'am I need you to calm down just put your seat belt on and you'll be fine."

"But it doesn't work see!" I heard her say. "It's not clipping together!"

"Do you want me to stop this plane!" the flight attendant asked in a bitchy tone "You need to fasten your seat belt already so we can get off the ground!"

"Well I would if I could but you aren't listening to me!" she shouted back "I need a new seat belt!"

"I can't get you a new seat belt." The attendant scoffed "Just clip it together; you're not listening to me!"

"You're not listening to me!" Meredith hissed "Let me talk to the captain."

I opened my eyes and sighed as I realized quickly I wasn't hearing things, not old memories. Meredith was about four rows ahead of me and she was doing her typical pre-flight freak out.

"I have a better idea." I said as I unclipped my seatbelt and stood up.

"Sir!" the flight attendant snapped at me "Just sit down we're about to take off!"

"I realize that." I said as I still made my way towards them "I'm trying to help."

Flight attendant gave me a rude look but stayed mum.

"If you'll allow me to change seats I can help this lady with her seatbelt and we can take off as scheduled."

She gave me another look, but this time it said something along the lines of, it's you who's inflicting your ownself.

She gave me an approving nod and went to her own seat as I slid into the one next to Meredith.

"Hi." I whispered, I noticed her hands were shaking like it was negative fifty degrees in the airplane, no wonder she couldn't fasten her own seatbelt, "May I?"

She rolled her eyes but nodded. I reached over and clipped the buckle together and then did my own.

"Why did you get a window seat?" I asked quietly as we made our way down the runway "You know they always freak you out."

"I forgot to ask for an aisle seat." She gulped as she nervously tried to hold her shaky hands together.

"Ok, close your eyes and lay back." I sighed.

She didn't fight or argue, just did as she was told. I opened a barf bag and gave it to her to blow into. The take off and decent were always the worst for her. She breathed into it as we started to take off.

"Slow deep breaths." I said softly while holding her free hand "It's almost over-just think about the snow, and how it looks so pretty when it falls, and how it covers everything in New York like....what do you call it?"

She took the bag off her mouth as the plane had leveled out and smiled "A magical winter wonderland."

We smiled at each other, I knew what she called it; I just needed her to focus on me, on this, on....us.

"Thank you." She mumbled "I hate flying."

"I know." I smiled and looked up to see that the fasten seatbelts sign had been turned off "Do you want to switch seats so you're in the aisle?"

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I know that one look out that window and you'll be hyperventilating and throwing up in my lap."

"Oh." She scrunched up her nose "You still remember that huh?"

"Not something I can easily forget." I chuckled.

"Ok, yeah." She nodded.

We both got out of our seats and swapped. When she leaned forward to adjust herself I saw something glimmer in the light coming in the open window, it was inside her shirt but it was dangling around her neck.

My eyes fixated on it as I recognized the metal encasing the stone, the oval shape of it surrounded by a design of gold and diamonds.

"Derek." She stifled a giggle; I looked up to her eyes "You're staring at my chest."

"Sorry." I shook my head. "I was just noticing... you. That's granny's ring."

"Oh." She said as she dug it out of the top of her shirt "Yeah." She smiled as she looked at it "I always loved this thing."

"I always loved it on you." I blurted before I could stop myself. She looked at me with a soft expression that made me wonder what she was thinking.

"I um... well since it's a family heirloom I wanted to keep it safe. And I didn't know if maybe you or Ma would... well you know."

"No." I frowned "I don't know."

She hung her head slightly as she chewed on her lower lip, something she did when she was either nervous or getting ready to say something she didn't want to say.

She finally looked up at me and her eyes were watery "I wanted to see if you or Ma wanted it back, since it means so much to you and since we're....."

"Oh." My heart sank "No." I shook my head adamantly "No Meredith it was a gift, you keep it."

"Derek." She gulped.

There was a glimmer of something in her eyes. Love? Hope? Something she wasn't saying? I wanted to know but at the same time I didn't.

What would I say if she asked for a second chance? What would I tell her if she told me she loved me again, this time with an expectant look in her eyes as if she were waiting for me to say it back.

Did I feel love for her? Absolutely. Did I want to rip that gaping wound open she created when she left me again? I don't think so.

"Meredith." I sighed "I gave it to you; I want you to have it."

She nodded as she looked at it, letting the sun shine through it, casting rays of rainbow all around us. She twisted her lip between her teeth and then let out a soft sigh.

"Ok." She mumbled "It's just a ring."

"Yeah." I murmured "Just a ring."

Just a ring, just a piece of jewelry-after all, without vows behind it what did it mean anymore...