Cruel Summer - Conrad Fisher

thirty-seven

    "Are you sure, sweetie," Susannah asks me, running her fingers through my hair, her arm unmoving from its place around me. "I don't want you putting your life on pause for me."

"You've been there for us our whole lives," I tell her, pulling away from our hug so I can look her in the eye. She looked tired; her mascara dried up under her eyes. It wasn't going to be easy. I knew that, especially now that she was doing the trial. I haven't felt this sure in a long time, though. It's what I needed to do. "Please, let me be there for you and the boys. I want to."

Susannah reaches to catch a stray tear on my cheek, smiling at me. "Our perfect girl," She looks back at mom, who's watching our exchange with tear-filled eyes, both sad and proud, "how did we get so lucky?"

Mom smiles, and I step aside so I'm between the two women, allowing them both to hug me from the side, my head laying on Susannah's shoulder. I didn't want to waste a second with her. I wanted to hug her more and hear more stories of what she and my mom were like at my age. "Thank you. I am so proud of you," Mom whispers, kissing the side of my head. She was hesitant at first, too, but now she seemed more relieved. I know she wants to be there for Susannah and the boys all the time too. It was killing her that she couldn't. At least now she knew someone was looking out for them.

We stay like this for a few minutes. One thing sickness makes you do is cherish time, soaking up every hug and moment with the people in your life. It's a reminder that life moves quickly, so don't rush the moments like these. Once we do pull away, Susannah nods towards the stairs, "go see him."

She knows me too well. Despite how comforting it feels to be here with my mom and Susannah, my heart felt like it was tugging me in a completely different direction. Like it wouldn't beat normally again until I've seen that Conrad was okay.

"I love you guys," I say as I walk towards the stairs, a smile gracing my tear-streaked face. Mom and Susannah both repeat me in unison, shooing me away with smiles. They still look sad, but there are also hints of pride and relief on their features. Their smiles alone comfort me. Maybe everything would be okay, maybe all of this sadness would lead to happiness in the end.

I find myself outside of Conrad's room, my knuckles lightly rapping against his door. It feels like an eternity until he finally opens the door, my rapidly beating heart sinking at the sight of him. His hair is messy, his face streaked with tears, and his eyes sunken tiredly. I'd traded my deb outfit for a pair of sweats and a cropped tank while he still wore his suit, his white dress shirt untucked, the top buttons open, revealing the white t-shirt he wore underneath.

"Hi," I breathed, taking a step closer, into his room.

The door behind me, as Conrad took a step towards me, now inches away. Without a word, Conrad hugs me, his arms wrapping around my waist, pulling me into his arms, it feels familiar, and for a minute, I'm taken back to earlier tonight when we danced, his strong arms holding me. That felt like a million years ago, and I longed to go back to that moment in time and freeze everything.

"I'm really scared, Flo," Conrad whispers. I can hear the tears in his voice, his hands gripping me tighter like if he lets go, everything will fall apart even more. "I'm trying to be brave for my mom and Jere, but I'm so scared."

I run my fingers through his hair, guiding Conrad to his bed. Once we're sat, he curls into my side, his head resting on my chest. I whisper comforting words to him, leaning to rest my forehead against his head, "you don't have to hold it together all the time," I remind him, "and you're not going to be going through any of this alone, okay? You have Jere, my mom is going to be up every weekend... and I'm going to be there by your side every single step of the way, no matter what."