My Obsession With a Slanted Mirror

September 19, 2010

Well this was an interesting day. We all went to church today. I didn't pay attention, I had no idea what was going on. We were at some catholic church that Marie was apart of. Father never really believed in anything. Well, he's never really told me what he believes so I asume its in nothing because we never went to church. As for me, I believed in God, and I believed in Jesus. Other than that I didn't really care about anything else. 

We came home and I went to my room to download the pictures from the game to the computer. I put all the football game crowd pictures in a file and sent them to Mindy. I then put the pictures I got of James in another file to upload onto Facebook. Then the last one was Kelsea's. I didn't know whether I should send them to James, or her. It could be great blackmail, or just something that could start a big mess. I just saved it and put it away to never think about it. 

I couldn't help but think all day about James. What was I thinking I should have kissed him. I wanted him to so bad, and now that he did I turned a way? what was I thinking? What if he didn't really want me though, what if he was just so depressed about everything that he wanted someone to kiss. what if he did like me but didn't even want to get into a relationship at all. I couldn't bare it if it was just going to start and end with major heartbreak. I just sat on my bed all afternoon imagining how it would feel, how it would taste, the excitement of it all!

Later today, Marie tried to come in my room to talk. I didn't want to but she insisted so I let her in. I layed there on my bed as she sat on a chair and started to talk. She started talking about her and Father, work, Stevie, the new house, and then she brought up Mommy. I started to listen, she started to say how she was sorry, she wasn't sorry. She went on to how she can be like her in a way, don't even compare. Monster was getting really upset now, it was clawing at my insides and it was really hurting now. 

Now here's the big news she gave me, she's not going to work anymore with Father, she will only be helping him with the new house from home and you want to know the reason why? She's pergnant! She's pregnant! She's pregnant! She's pregnant! Monster was so angry now. No damage was done, except maybe to everyones eardrums. I had screamed and yelled. I wasn't in control, why? Why was this happening? Another child thats one of Marie's? That could have been Mommy's, Mommy was such a better person than this twenty eight year old blonde bimbo! 

Well, the worst was all over and I got a scolding about Monster coming out today from Father. He said I needed to learn to control myself. He even said he was thinking of getting me a therapist. Maybe I needed one. I never thought about it before, that Monster was a problem. Monster had been inside of me ever since I woke from the crash and I couldn't ever get it to go away. I had just coped with the fact that Monster wanted out sometimes and that if I really wanted to I could control it, but those were rare occasions, especially when Monster had sat around for too long. Monster wasn't a friend though, and the feeling it was giving me inside was that this therapist thing was a bad idea. I don't know, what if the therapist can make Monster go away, or what if it just eats him or her alive? 

I pulled HER out again. She was the same as always, flawless and beautiful even with the slap mark on HER cheek and mescara running. HER eyes sparkled with happiness, HER clothes, even though were sweats, looked remarkable on HER and HER thin figure. Monster laughed at HER, and I put HER away.