I am Euphoria

Point Break

Next time I tell you to run...RUN!

Stone

——

5 months after order 66

"You have to eat, Hayim." I mumble as yet again the Jedi youngling just threw up his food and I had to clean his face off of it. I was mentally drained even more today then I had been yesterday.

Everything only ever felt numb and was a total out-of-body experience for me. I had started calling the baby Hayim, because Master Ti once said that in Togrutan culture the one, who preservers life's trials was called that way and since she was the one giving him to me I saw him fit of a Togrutan name.

For five months I had peace and quiet with him. For five months I had been a wreck, who lived each day ready to give in and just snap. For five months I carried my anger with me not letting it out and just holding it all in. I was bound to break at any point. But somehow I just didn't, not like I had when I left Coruscant.

Other than that time span of five months I had lost track of any other relevant things. I simply breathed and survived on limited and low power. I didn't know how Leal had done it over and over again, but I surely wasn't her and I didn't have her drive. My life was in ruins and all I was able to do about it was endure the lifeless silence I felt with each sunrise and sunset.

I regret how that day had unfolded every day. I regret how I hadn't pushed myself to look for Stone to see if he at least was reasonable in his actions. But I hadn't. Instead I had left him like a coward, while he probably couldn't even comprehend what was happening to him. I had listened to other people's advises and ultimately I had broken my own heart by leaving him behind. And let me tell you, I was not recovering well.

The worst part about it was, that Leal would have fought, she would have survived and won over the empire. At least that is what I told myself to not think about the fact that she was all alone in a cruiser full of clones turning against her General and ultimately at her. She would still have fought though. Although if I was truly honest with myself I knew she was possibly dead. Deep in my heart, this order has done its purpose to every Jedi out there and finally all of my sisters out there. I just stumbled into safety by some dumb miracle.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair, that I survived while Leal, who had had a plan...a future even, died. I wasn't remotely like Leal. I wasn't even me anymore. I didn't even know who I was. I surely wasn't the happy girl anymore. And I knew I could and would never forget.

The disc I had found on the day of my escape from the empire had led me to my current position, a Jedi temple of all places. Ahch-To was the first Jedi temple ever built and while I thought it was dumb coming here, I had done it, because Master Ti had given me this location in confidence.

She was probably dead too. Someone must have come for Hayim by now. He was a very quiet child, probably enforced through his ability to feel my grief and anger. He always looked at me through his button eyes as if he knew how much I gave up to see him safe.

Safe! He would never be safe with me. Nor would I ever find a place where we both would find our peace or in my case found a hole where I could climb into and never come out of. My sisters were dead, Stone was now an evil robot, executing every order he was being given and I was tasked with keeping a child save, that was hunted down by the whole galaxy. Life was the worst right now.