The stair squeaks loudly as I get closer and my aunt rushes out of my room. She looks at me and I pretend to be walking normally.
"What's wrong with you?! I thought there might be a harami (burglar) why are u slithering around the house like a snake?" she hisses at me
"I'm not I just got home and I'm coming inside my room, did you need anything from here?" i asked
She hesitates as if trying to form a proper excuse "Have you forgotten your place!! This is my house I'll go into any room I want to go into.", "my room" She shoves her index finger to my chest mimicking those words
Her overreaction shows her guilt. What could she do inside the room though? And she has the audacity to call me a snake. I scanned the room but everything seemed to be in place. I open the drawers to see if anything was missing but there wasn't anything she could steal from me. I had only two cabinets full of clothes and my jewelry was only a necklace and ring I always kept on me. I leave the room and try to follow my aunt around but she did absolutely nothing for the rest of the day.
***
In the middle of the night, I woke up to Jabil sweating profoundly and kicking one of his legs on the mattresses laid on the floor for him. He insisted that he would sleep there and I sleep on the bed. When that boy insists on something, there's nothing that can change his mind.
"Qamari wake up, qamari" I shake him gently trying to wake him up. I felt terrified looking at his state, as if it couldn't get any worse he wakes up screaming. I wrap my arms around him.
"It's just a dream Qamari I'm right here" he pushes me away aggressively which I assume is a late reaction.
"Jabil, it's just a nightmare" he inhales deeply and kisses me on the forehead, "I'm sorry i-"
"you should be," I said trying to lift the mood. It's been a while now and he keeps having recurring nightmares. He won't tell me about them, he never talks about them. Some nights he can't sleep at all and says he feels like he's burning up but his temperature feels completely normal. I took him to the doctor but they said nothing was wrong with him. He never mentioned it after that.
"do your feet burn today too?"
He shakes his head but he can't lie to me. I know when something hurts him. I turn to the side and watch him
"go to sleep mama" he says with his eyes closed and facing the ceiling
"how can I sleep when my son is hurting"
"I'm not hurting go to sleep"
this kid! he has no clue that he is half my heart. How can one sleep when their heart hurts?
***
I wake up to the sound of a nail cutter. I walk upstairs and find Jabil wearing his green uniform and cutting his nails for school,
"don't forget the matching socks" I said
"alright," he says shuffling quickly to leave. He didn't need me to drag him out of bed anymore, to dress him up and complain about cutting his nails. I know I never liked these things back then, but I wish I had lived a little more in them. He returns from the door and kisses my forehead then leaves. This made my heart happy.
I look over my shoulder and find my aunt watching me with a dissatisfied expression. My aunt never had kids, she couldn't have them. I think that's a good thing, she has a heart made from stone. But still, I think her own kids would have been like a warm liquid that tries to seep into any cracks in the stone. No mother can't love her kids, not even her.
she looked at me with envy which made me fear the evil she can do to Jabil. There is so much I fear for Jabil. First, I feared criticism from people towards him than seclusion because after all, he was my son, how horrible that must be for him and his father wasn't here to protect him. I feared him being shut out for being poor, my aunt had insisted he stop school. My uncle agreed but I couldn't allow that. I started cleaning houses and making bread for money. less bread though and more cleaning because my aunt would hardly allow me to use the flour.
I didn't want anyone to see him as poor or weak. I didn't want him to be the center of humiliation, I knew how that felt and I knew the impacts of it later down the road.
***
He looks up at the ceiling grimacing. He was in pain that isn't healed by medicine and how do you help someone when you don't know what's wrong with them?
The only thing I know to do is to acknowledge his pain. At night i told him to read the adhkar but he shook his head
"it doesn't help mama, it never does"
"I leave my bed bending over his mattress and putting my hand over his forehead, I recite the adhkar on him until he falls asleep. I stayed up watching over him. He kept mumbling but I couldn't understand him. He tossed and turned and kicked. It didn't feel like he was sleeping, his eyes were slightly open and his pupils moved like he was here but wasn't at the same time. I brush his hair away from his forehead and hold back the fear in my heart. There's no manual on how to be a mother, we're always afraid we might be doing something wrong. He wakes up again frightened and places his palms over his head shaking back and forth. It was another nightmare. I hold his hand tightly in mine and he hesitates but then he holds my hand back"it keeps getting worse, these nightmares don't go away i'm sorry" he said vulnerable
"can you tell me?" I asked and he shook his head
I felt a sharp sting in my heart. How can I help you? I want to know, how can I take all the pain away?
***
I head over to Maryam and explain everything to her and she listens attentively. Her mother-in-law, I think her name was rafha no, that doesn't make sense. hafha? raffa? now I remember rahaf she must have woken up while I was talking to Maryam and listened.
"Have you gone to a shiekh? rahaf asked
"Why a shiekh?" I said
"it could be sihr dear, does he hear people calling him when no one is there?" she asked
"yeah he does," he told me how he always feels like someone is following him and sometimes hears voices calling him but no one is there.
"it wouldn't hurt to take him, just to be safe"
"alright Jazak Allah Kahyr"
"was ayaki, insha'Allah only good news"
At the door, I tell Maryam how kind Rahaf is.
"you mean Farrah?" she said. That was her name, how did I even end up calling her rahaf. I laugh at myself and Maryam laughs too.
(Qamari = my moon)
YOU ARE READING
A silent cry
Historical Fiction"and after all this time of waiting the devil would reach out to me and whisper, he's dead and you are here, how much longer will you wait, how much longer would you deny the truth, at some point, I was afraid that he would unlock my ribcage and sen...
