All The Things You Said (gxg)

After College Continued

I couldn't get what Max said to me out of my head. That she was heartbroken, that she wasn't able to get out of bed, and that she started to say she regretted it.

I thought she was just fine and dandy after we broke up.

And I was the complete mess.

For a whole month I could hardly do anything but go to class. My life felt absolutely empty without Max. There were times where life didn't even feel worth it to me. It was like I was mourning someone that was still alive.

A little bit before my freshman winter break, I started to perk up because I figured I would see her at work. I was going to be at Chopped over my break. I thought we could maybe talk, and work something out. I had hope.

But when I didn't see her name on the schedule my first day back, I asked Christy about it.

"Max put in her notice in November." she said, "I have to be honest- I think it might have had something to do with your break up."

After that, all hope was lost. I wanted to text and call Max more than anything. But I didn't want her to think I was crazy. She broke up with me. I had no idea why, but I had to accept it.

It was so damn hard to accept.

And I didn't find myself coming out stronger and on the other side of it until my sophomore year.

But I had some setbacks. I would often think about the fact that Max could be dating someone else, and it genuinely upset me. Shook me to the core.

I had blocked her on social media, but one night toward the end of my sophomore year, I looked her up and unblocked her. I immediately regretted it.

Her profile picture was of her. Not of her two cats.

And it was a good photo. It was a selfie, and she had on a tank top, her hair was shaggy over her face, and she had on a beanie.

I felt my heart start to race as I looked at her. She wasn't smiling in the photo, but she looked really hot.

I looked and saw there were two comments.

My heart dropped as I saw a girl named Delaney Evans comment "looking good there" and Max commented back with a smiley face.

I flew into panic mode, and immediately blocked her again. I couldn't do that to myself.

My junior year was when I turned 21. I made it my goal to go to gay clubs and try to hook up with girls. And I did hook up with a few. It did nothing for me though- only in the moment, in their beds.

One of the girls that I hooked up with was Katie- my old friend, and the first girl I ever pictured kissing. She was at a gay bar one night that I was- and I found out that she was bisexual. We had lost touch since high school, but she knew I was gay from the grapevine.

I told her that I had always found her cute. She reciprocated, and that night she went back with me to my apartment.

It was the first time I felt somewhat alive since Max.

A couple of months later, I met Kyla.

I wasn't looking for a relationship. But I matched with Kyla on HER, thinking she was pretty. She knew how to hold a great conversation.

And on our first date, she won me over. Her intelligence, charm, and confidence was a huge turn on.

She put her career first, but always made room for me as well. And I truly thought that I was fully moved on from Max. I was with Kyla now. And I was happy with her.