Love from the fire

Breakdown

Today felt like the day to call Mia. I calculated the time difference since she was in another country. When I made sure it was ok, I dialled her number.

I waited a few moments for her to pick up. She didn't. I waited a few minutes. She still didn't pick up. I hung up and decided that she was probably busy. Maybe she'd call back later? I thought to myself.

The day passed by and she didn't call back. I tried to dismiss it as her being really busy. Surely it wasn't because she didn't want to speak to me. Right? Yeah, I'm sure that's not the case.

Though, it's difficult to say from my perspective. It feels heavy, these feelings. My dad left me when I was young. My mum never gave me the attention a child gets. I've seen people make friends so easily. My neighbour left.

For some reason, I feel like I'll mess this up. I don't think Gray and I will be friends for long. He'll leave me just like the others.

I hid my face in my shirt as the tears came down. I hate crying if I'm honest, but it's always better to let it out rather than keeping it in. I've heard that crying every now and then is good for you. It releases all the bad emotions and things inside you.

I always feel terrible when I cry. It's a mixture of anger, sadness, regret, and other things that I can't exactly describe. I don't know if trauma would be on the list.

Sorry if I'm ranting, but I never thought I was good at expressing myself. I've been trying. I'm not a bad person because I've been trying to be a better one. Isn't that how it works?

I don't know how long I've been crying for. But by the end of it, I'm calm and empty.

I should go home and quickly gather some stuff I'll need before running away. I should also eat. I'm starving.

I ended up eating some bread with salad. My mum was in the sitting room, gazing out into the outside. She seemed lost and content all at the same time.

Every time I come home, she's always like that. She always ignores me when I try to acknowledge her. She's always been sitting inside and staring outside a window. I really wonder why she's like this. It's been this way for as long as I can remember.

"Mum." I try to say.

Maybe she doesn't hear me. She seems completely oblivious to reality, like she's stuck in time in her own thoughts.

She finally opens her mouth and says. "I did it for you. Take care. I know you will."

She doesn't even look at me. She might as well have been speaking to herself.

"Mum?"

"Mum?"

I can't take this anymore. I don't know if my mum has been suffering mental health issues, but she hasn't told me anything. I don't know what I'm meant to do, so I take my bag with my stuff in it and leave.

I'm leaving for good.

Thanks for giving birth to me mum. Thanks for keeping me alive. But I've got to go now. And do other things.

I'm leaving. For good.