Perfectly Deceived

chapter twenty

Breya

Courageous is not a word I'd use to describe myself. Only I wish I was. Maybe then all this change would be easier less troublesome. I wonder if she was Courageous in fact I've wondered alot about my mother since last night.

As soon as I was alone in the quiet of my room my thoughts became louder, drifting from wonder to wonder. I hadn't thought of my parents in so long it felt comforting along with terrifying.

I wondered if she was brave, resilient and beautiful. All the things I longed to be. Did she love me or even want me?then I tried to convince myself to be brave to be Courageous in searching for the answers I needed. To grab every opportunity I got at discovering who I am and where i came from and how I ended up at the moonrise pack.

When I think back to a few weeks ago I've actually come a long way. My life is no longer at a stand still its slowly but surly moving forward. Actually it's moving rather fast now I think about it. I won't lie it excited me I felt like for the first time in my life I was going to be experiencing adventure, possibly living instead of being trapped.

It made my stomach flutter in anticipation, fear, excitement and wonder. I think I just need to take each moment as it comes and try to embrace all I can. Slipping my shoes on I leave my room to make my way to Erin in the garden.

For once with a smile on my face I actually felt like a person today I don't know how it happened or when but I feel like the invisible chains tieing me down are being slowly lossened.

"Breya I've had lunch brought out to us I figured we could eat while we talk today"

Smiling greatful I take a seat on the cosy cushioned chair. Taking my coffe and bringing it to my lips.

"So I hear your about to go on quite the journey tomorrow, how are you feeling about that?"

"Honestly I'm not sure, nervous, excited. Alive mainly"

"Alive?"

The odd tone in her voice coaxed a unexpected laughter to escape me.

" Yes Alive, for the first time in my life I'm doing something for me, spontaneously. Does that terrify me? Yes but It's not the same fear I'm used to  does that make sense ? "

I quickly found my fingers as anxiety crept in. Even on a day where I feel almost normal I find it odd to openly converse with others. It's never been a regular occurrence to me before. I find my self questioning if I should of said that or picking apart my words incase there wrong or insulting.

"That makes perfect sense actually. When do you leave?"

I let a silent breath of relief leave me as I peered at Erin's smiling face.

"Im not sure I have to go and see alpha Rowen when I've finished here "

Erin's face suddenly turned serious as her gaze bore through me. A strange expression on her face one I've never seen before it made the hairs on my kneck stand up. Uneasy was how I felt as I questioned what was happening.

"Breya I have to ask are you sure you want to do this? "

Confused.

"Yes, do you think I shouldn't? Your the one who suggested it ?"

"Yes I did but I mean...

She seemed to stumble over her words making me flinch a little.

"I dont understand?"

I merely whispered.

"What I'm trying to say is I'm worried, sometimes the answers we find dont always provide us with clarity or closure. You've only just started to open up, to talk, eat and roam freely im afraid if your quest for answers turns for the worse it will set you back"

I was stunned at her revelation of course I understand the fear of me returning to my locked door but I've already come so far. Her sullen expression worried me confused me and maybe even a little angered me  I rushed to explain my self to defend the very reasons behind my choice.

"I understand your worried, I have to do this even if i don't find any answers, even if I find no closure. My whole life I've believed I'm just a simple human girl caught in a world I should never of known about at the mercy of a  cruel man. Now it's my turn to try and explore my options, the world and choose the path I want to walk down not the path of a mad man being relentlessly tortured for reasons I don't understand "

Sighing erin nodded, which actually fueled my anger to flare I thought she would understand I thought she did.

"I understand breya"

Standing slowly I shook my head

"I'm sorry erin but I don't think you do I won't assume what your life has been like because I don't know but mine has been hell. Even saying this out loud feels like I'm commiting a crime I've lived a life of silence and fear and isolation  I now have a time limit on how quickly I have to accept who I apparently am aswell as figure out how I ever ended up here in the first place, build strength in a body that's been broken over and over and over again then shift into a beast if my body can even withstand it. If it dosnt i die anyway once I thought that was the best way but I can't ever think that way, I've got the chance to learn to live I want to at least try. I'm sorry but I think I need to walk "

Wide eyed and socked I left her sat there staring after me as I found the exit from the garden. My feet unconcisly began walking towards the great open fields. The suffocation I felt taking over my lungs slowly dwindling away. I stunned myself every day with every bit of progress I made. I just spoke up for my self or had a tantrum im not really sure which but I didnt care.

My hands trembled just like before but it didn't stop me from saying what I wanted to. I felt free and the opened fields I was walking towards seemed to scream freedom. I felt myself begin to feel what I think was happiness with some relief. I wasn't afraid that someone was going to come and stop me. I wasn't afraid of being attacked for fun I was just free.

I was still confused by erin especially because the day before she had been the one to suggest it all but I refused to let that take away all the good in this moment right here. Taking my shoes of I allowed my feet to feel the cold soft grass between my toes as I wondered further and further into open worldliness.

"Breya?"

Turning around at the sound of my name I smiled towards jackson as he lightly jogged to catch up to me.

" can I join you ?"

Nodded we fell into step side by side iy was peaceful and comforting to have him with me. I smiled wider at the thought I never would of believed I would feel this way next to jackson. .

"Im sorry about yesterday I should of

"Please don't apologise I'm actually really grateful you gave it to me, before yesterday I had nothing pushing me to want to put myself through all the challenges ahead. I felt like i had no fire left. It's been years since I thought of my parents regardless what happened with them its comforting to know I really did have them. So thankyou "

Jackson smiled warmly at me a look of peace in his eyes that I've never seem before.

" tomorrow's a big day for you how are you felling about it?"

Thinking over his words I smiled as I settled on how I was actually feeling.

" I'm feeling ready "