Promises to Keep[WATTYS15]

Chapter 25

This whole thing had me thinking, and it made me realise that Klein was right. No one knew how thin my body would get. No one knew how badly the relapses would come and how often they’d appear to me. They pull me down when I don’t want them too and they try to kill me, but I’m often wondering how many things is it going to take to make me disappear. 

“Over thinking the whole thing won’t make your brain relish the information, Abi. I know you’re confused about the whole thing but in all honesty, we’re a walking disaster. We try too hard to be the people we think each other needs but we don’t be the people that we truly are.” Klein spoke. 

“What do you mean?” 

“What I really mean is that we pretend to be perfect for each other, not realising that we’re lying to the other person. You’ve figured out that I’ve lied about taking other options when we’re ready to have children. In all honesty, I want our relationship to flourish with each day that we grow and I feel like that’s not even going to happen with things going on. We barely manage it through a whole day sometimes without something to fight over. Today it seems like we’re fighting over everyone keeping the information about your papa a secret. It wasn’t just me, you know. It was Lucas and your dad, too. But it’s me that’s getting it and I often wonder why.” 

“People believe that if they take it out on the people closest then they’ll see what’s really happening and if they care enough to be there through all the hardships. However, I’m unsure if things are really like that. We aren’t like that. I don’t believe.” 

“Abi, we aren’t and we won’t be like that. I’m observant, I know what’s going on with you before you do. I’ve known you too long to un-see the things that you’re trying to cover up. We fight a lot, yes, but do we really uncover what’s going on? No. We don’t. We fight too much to even realise that there’s things going on underneath.”

“But, you just said that you know everything that’s happening,” I spoke confused. 

“Yes, exterior-wise but interior? I haven’t got a clue.” 

“Klein, I’m sorry. I truly am.”

“I know you’re sorry, Abi. I realised that after you said it, but I left anyhow because I needed to clear my head. I’d known your papa too, so it hit me as well. I thought he might’ve lasted a little while longer, to see our wedding or to see other things but he didn’t and it shocked me a little. So I came here, just to try and get a better perspective on the whole outlook of life. It got me thinking, however. I was thinking of going to your doctor and asking to see if he can test you to see if you can produce still. We’re both fighting with the idea of children. We want them but we want them from your body and not someone else’s. I was just thinking if we know now, then it can loosen the pressure of the fights we’re having.” 

“Klein, the royal doctor has to tell my dad everything. I know it’s strictly doctor/patient confidentiality, but with my bouts of anorexia, he has to let my dad know if I’m on the current destruction of myself or whether I’m planning to do anything.”

“Can he do that?”

“It was a stipulation my mum had in place with him. I don’t know if he would tell my dad if I went to see him about that or whether we could just tell my dad instead. That way he doesn’t need to find out from our doctor.”

“Abi, we need to lessen our fights and inner-fights about it. We need to know now before we do try and keep getting knock-backs with everything. I know the first time we try it’s going to be awkward and we might not even conceive then but we can only hope and try. But one thing won’t change and that’s my love for you. Whether you can have children naturally or not, my love won’t change. That’s a given fact. You’re my home, Abigail. I have my parents, my brothers and that’ll never change, their love is my home too but you’re my permanent home. You’re the one who makes me whole. The one who makes me feel like I’m living on the bigger picture of life. You’ve shown me hate, you’ve shown me grief but most of all, you’ve shown me how to love and to how to keep loving when the world seems to throw curve balls our way.”