Into the Woods

Chapter Twenty One

Gale is asleep in no time. I can tell because his breathing always changes when he's sleeping. It's deep, rhythmic, and even. Sleep, however, doesn't come so easily for me. The smiling, nice faces swirl around my head and for some reason make me very uneasy. As I close my eyes, I can hear them laughing, and for some reason, I can't help but think they are laughing at me. Their images mix with memories of Prim and my mother. They too are smiling and happy. This should comfort me, but I can't help but think it's because I'm away. They are happier without me.  Especially considering my behavior after the Games. I've spent my whole life trying to protect them and part of me thinks the best thing I ever could have done was leave them. They're better off this way, without me. Dark thoughts begin to creep into my mind. Everyone is better off without me, I think. My mom, Prim, Peeta, Haymitch. Gale even too. Poor Gale, I think, he'd be so much better off if he'd never known me. I think about all the pain and grief I've brought him.  All the sacrifices he’s had to make because of me.  I wonder how his family is doing, how they're making out without him…they've all suffered so much because of me.

I try to calm myself and push these thoughts from my mind. But seeing everyone so happy tonight, seeing a family so happy tonight won't leave me. The image is like a rock in my shoe cutting into my foot, and it gets deeper and deeper and more painful, and I'm not sure why. Shouldn't seeing a happy family be a source of hope or comfort to me? But it's not. Instead it's like a cruel reminder of something I'll never have. Something I'll never want, I remind myself as I find an uneasy sleep.

I'm walking back to my house at the Seam. The small, familiar, cramped but cozy little shack I grew up in. I never liked it much, but home is home, and I sigh a breath of relief as I reach for the door.

"Katniss!" Prim squeals, running up to me as I walk in.

"Hey, little duck," I say, reaching down to pinch her chin.

I throw down my satchel and walk go to the living room.

"Catnip," a familiar voice greets me. As I turn the corner, I see Gale. I smile and move to hug him. But before I can, another voice pipes my name.

"Katniss!" It's Posy. "Come play!" I turn to greet her, about to say I can't, but before I'm able to, I see more and more faces. Vick and Rory are here too. "Hey, Katniss!"

"Hi," I respond with a wondering tone.

"Come play with us, Katniss." The boys cry.

And Posy and Prim echo, "Katniss, come play!"

"What are you all doing here?" I ask to avoid their call.

But no one answers. Instead, I see more and more faces, all calling my name. Our neighbors' kids Sam and Chip. Some of Prim's friends from school. "Katniss," they call, some reach for my hand and pull me. "Katniss, come play!" Glennie and May join, pulling my other hand.

"I'm so sorry, I can't," I say, trying to detach myself from all the eager little hands.

"Why not, Catnip?" Gale is addressing me. There's a disapproving look on his face. He shakes his head as I search for an acceptable answer.

"I…I…" I certainly I have something better to do, I think. I try to explain I have to hunt, or gather food, or cut wood, or clean something, but none of those words will escape my lips. And instead, my mouth just hangs open and I stammer, "I…I…"

"As usual, Katniss, it's all about you," Gale says and turns away to go play with the children. I feel like I've just been stabbed in the heart as I watch him scoop some small blond child up in his arms who I recognize but don't know the name of. They both erupt in laughter.