DEAR YOU [Part 2]

Chapter 24

Elliot

I slowly opened my eyes to the buzzing of my phone. I looked down to see that I had drooled all over the pillow. I wiped my face and slowly picked up my phone.
I unlocked it, the black Simpsons background highlighted the fact that I had eighteen missed calls from an anonymous number.
With one eye closed and my bedsheet pattern printed on the side of my face, i called back.

“Finally. Where the hell were you.” I heard the voice of a panic stricken Matt.

“Matt? Wh-what happened.” I said mid-yawn.

“The project. It’s gone. I don’t know what happened but it’s gone. Please tell me you have copies or something?”

“Fuck me, no i d-dont.” I got up, my head resting on the wooden part of the bed while my whole body was buried under the weight of my comforter.

“Wh-what will we do now.” I could feel his heart beating dangerously fast through the phone, the way his feet would have been shaking uncontrollably and the number of times he had bitten his lip, I knew everything.

“Hey hey Matt.” I said in the calmest voice, “Sit down and breathe. I am coming okay? I am going to be there in a second.”

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His room was a mess, his bed turned upside down with his blanket thrown to one side and the pillows on the other. The study table was full of opened books and files and almost all the content on the table was on the floor as well.

My eyes then saw Matt sitting down, his legs held closely to his chest while his head was burrowed in his hands. I could see him visibly shaking, hyperventilating. I don’t think he saw me get in.

I quietly moved towards him, making my way carefully without stepping on anything.

I bent down beside him, my legs politely made their way so as they were touching his. He now knew I was there.

“I-“ he tried to say something but wasn’t able to find the words. I saw his face flushed red, he had been crying for a while. Oh how much I wanted to grab him in my arms and kiss him all over, everywhere he hurt.

“I know.” I said cupping his hands with mine, squeezing them tightly.

We sat there for a good ten minutes, i could feel within those ten minutes how he slowly allowed himself to lean a bit on me. His guards were still up but his body was too tired to fight it.

“I-i think I’m okay now.” He softly spoke.

I held him by his hand and slowly but firmly, pulled him up. Putting the blanket and pillow in there meant to be places, i set Matt down on his bed.

Without saying other word, nor without making any eye contact with him, I cleaned up the entire place.

“Here, have this.” I extended my hand out and placed a cup of water in his.

The few seconds when my hand covered his, i could feel the nervousness he felt.

“Matt, what was that? I have never seen you like that before.” I said in the softest voice.

“Uhm” he looked too embarrassed to speak. The shame on his face was way too visible.
He was like this, this person unable to hide what he was feeling at any time. I, on the other hand, was completely opposite. No one could get through me but he did. He always did.

I didn’t like the way he had to feel ashamed in order to reveal this side of himself to me. The pain in his eyes, i wanted to take it all away.

“You know why I am never able to admit the fact that I might be.” I exasperated. “It’s because once I do, it will get so real and it’s gonna have consequences. Good but also really bad. It’s scary, it scares the fuck out of me so I decide never to do so but then.” I grabbed hold of his hold,
“I see you and all logic flies out of my mind. The only thing I want is you, all of you but that takes gut and I’m nothing more than a coward so I stop myself. Like right now, you have any idea how much I want to kiss you right now?” i chuckled to which he replied with a smile, the most innocent smile ever.

There I was, the person so entangled by his own thoughts and so deep into the list of pros and cons that he made, just speaking from his heart. Pouring himself out just because he wasn’t able to see Matt like that.
He’s not going to make it easy for me.

“I get panic attacks every now and then.” He finally gathered up the courage to say something and I was so proud of him for doing so.

“They first started when i was in fifth or sixth grade. I had my science quiz and I was so anxious of the crowd and pressure that I snapped. I couldn’t move, i couldn't breathe. Everything around me rotated but maybe it was my head that was spinning. It was so scary and so suffocating, slowly darkness began to appear until I could see nothing. It was such an overpowering thing, feeling everything and nothing at once.
The next day I woke up at the hospital and ever since then I get these frequently.”

Fascinating isn’t it? Sometimes the people we think we know, surprise us the most. I used to think he was perfect, surreal, everything he did but now I know that he is real. And that made him somehow more perfect.

I picked up the laptop from his study table and made my way to the bed where he was lying down. He slowly tried to get up as he saw me pick up the laptop, when suddenly he fell straight back to where he was lying. I get it, he was tired and he had every right to be, especially after what he just went through.

“No, no don’t get up.” I said pushing his forehead slightly down for it to meet the soft pillow.

“what are you doing.”

“The project, right?” I tried to say in a way that wouldn’t grow any anxiety in him.

“Right?” he repeated.

“I got it covered.” I smiled. He looked at me with such relief in his eyes.
“And don’t worry, I am not going to watch you sleep.
If I can help it.”

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