My Empire of Dirt

Push Me Away

"Gretchen?"

Lily froze, sitting up when Johnny got off the bed, pulling his sweatpants on and nodding towards the door to indicate that he was going into the other room.

Suddenly she was hyper aware of her nude body, and got up, grabbing one of Johnny's shirts and a pair of his boxers, she moved over to the doorway and stood against the it, straining her ears to listen to the conversation.

Johnny paced around in the living room as he spoke to his ex lover, completely baffled that she had called. "Yeah, I'm not home actually, I'm at the beach house." He explained awkwardly, unsure of what to say to her.

"Oh really? I honestly thought you sold it by now since we never used it." Gretchen replied quietly.

"I didn't, no. I thought about it, but after- uh- we had to push back tour so I figured I'd take some time off until we could go." Johnny said, lying only a little bit. What was he supposed to say? The truth?

'Hey I relapsed and tried to kill myself after you left me, lol!' Didn't seem like the best thing to say, and there was no way to put it that didn't seem like he was blaming her for it.

Johnny didn't blame her at all, those were his choices, she didn't tell him to relapse, she didn't suggest that he try to end it all. Keeping this from her was just easier for both of them.

"Yeah, I saw that. Some issues in the studio, right?" She asked, pacing the bedroom of her new apartment in Columbus. She had decided to start over, she needed to be away from LA and the paparazzi and everything that reminded her of what she had been through. She had missed Ohio, so much.

She started a new job at a local high school, and surprisingly, most of her students didn't ask about Johnny or the band or why they broke up.

Gretchen liked her life, she reconnected with old friends, and even made some new ones, her job was great, she had a nice, cozy apartment, and most of all, she got to see her family on a regular basis; but as she settled into this new routine, she realized something.

She missed Johnny.

Gretchen didn't want to break up with him, she just needed time, and didn't know how to do so without cutting ties with everything and everyone in Los Angeles. Including her fiance... well, ex fiance now.

"Did uh- did Taylor get all of your stuff? I'm not home so I wouldn't know if she did." The singer asked, confused as to why she was calling him.

"She did, yeah. It came in a few days ago." Fuck, this was uncomfortable. She has known him her entire adult life, but now having a conversation on the phone is awkward? "I uh- I haven't talked to you in so long, I just- I guess I missed you." She admitted, at this point, she might as well just be honest with him.

"You missed me? Really?" Johnny breathed, he couldn't believe this, all he had wanted was to hear her voice, for her to tell him that she missed him and wanted him back... but now? The words only left him confused and conflicted.

Those words had a very different affect on Lily though.

She closed the door quietly, a sob threatening to fall from her lips as she slid down the wall and sat on the floor. Lily knew this would happen, she knew she was merely a warm body to curl up to and a place holder until Gretchen took him back.

The bassist fucking hated herself, she let herself fall for Johnny again, only to have her heart broken. Again.

'He was only acknowledging what she had said, that doesn't mean he feels the same way!' Her mind reasoned, but the doubt and insecurities she felt was overtaking her thoughts.