For the First Time [kaisoo]

5 // regrets

0403.

Two nights have passed and Jongin can't deny the fact that nothing good has happened. Maybe it was a nice thing before, but it's different now. The creamer in his counter was still half-filled, while mugs of unfinished dark coffees are in the sink. He's been lacking sleep, something he never experienced before.

But how could he fall into slumber when he realizes that the only one that makes him look forward to tomorrows is the same someone that ruins his priority list?

A knock on the door woke Jongin's senses up, and he goes straight to open the door, without minding the mess of himself. His heart beat raced at the sight of his hyung, but even before he asks him to come in, the happiness easily crawled away as easy as he felt it.

"I dropped by to give this back." Kyungsoo said casually, like nothing happened the other night. But they never had something, right? Kyungsoo never knew what they were and that made him conclude that there was nothing between them in the first place. It just took the complaints that Jongin stated right at his face to prove the non-existent love that he used to label as forever.

"Hyung, do you really have to wait for me to come home?"

"Of course."

"But I don't think this is right. We're not even together-officially."

"Do we need to be?"

Jongin gulped, asking himself the same question but failing to answer. "I don't know."

"You told me you love me, Jongin."

"Is that enough?" Jongin curiously asked, his eyes looking for the answer in his lover's eyes.

Kyungsoo let out an awkward laugh and stood up from the couch. "Why are we talking about this anyway? It's nothing-"

"We should hyung. We're... nothing yet. So you don't need to be like this. I'm scared of you being too loyal."

It was Kyungsoo's turn to gulp as questions ran in his own mind, letting out the only acceptable question in the moment. "Why?"

"I am not even sure if I meant what I said."

"Sure of...what?"

Jongin sighed, not being able to process every thought before speaking. "I might not be sure if I... if I love you. I don't know what it is, or how it actually feels like. I'm scared that I can't define love... but then tell you that I feel it for you."

Kyungsoo's world seems to crash down on him as he listened to Jongin's choice of words. "Then does that mean that you don't?"

"Don't?"

"Love me?"

"Hyung--"

"Then what are you trying to point out?" Kyungsoo wasn't pleased at the turn of events, and so he raised his voice.

"Maybe we need space to think? Maybe we need to know what we really are, and make sure of what we really feel?"

"Are you kidding me?" Kyungsoo asked, only to be replied with silence and a deep, sorry, stare.

"You," Kyungsoo said, looking away and trying to prevent the tears from falling. "You need to. Because to be honest, Kim Jongin, I am sure. I was already willing to take the risk. I was waiting for you to take it too. But you won't."

Jongin stared at the key in Kyungsoo's hand, and there was this urge in him not to take it, rather, pull his hyung back into his arms. But it's his fault that Kyungsoo barely looked at him as he slowly took the small metal, brushing his shivering hand against the pale one. "Are you sure?"

Dumb. Jongin knew he was dumb enough to ask him such question when he was the one who didn't hesitate in making words slip out of his mouth without thinking about them. "I mean, we can talk about this again-"

"No need." Kyungsoo tried to smile before immediately turning away. "I'm going."

"Hyung-"

"I'll see you when I see you." With that, Kyungsoo left, and Jongin remained silent, even if deep inside, he's pleading for his hyung to not go.

But maybe they believed in something that doesn't exist-forever.

Jongin blamed himself for feeling more alone than he ever was. It was supposed to be normal, to be living without anyone around, but then something was missing. Ever since Kyungsoo had that key, he'll constantly appear in the house, bringing in some groceries, cooking for him, taking care of the house, taking care of the house's owner...

"Fuck." Jongin slammed the key on his desk; the paperwork he took home that should've been done by the hour was still on top, half of the original load yet to be touched. Sighing, Jongin propped an elbow on the table, his palm covering his eyes. "I miss you, hyung. I'm sorry."

A teardrop escaped his eye, as fast as the sincerest feelings escaping his lips. "I love you..."