When We Were Sixteen || Jeon Jungkook

3 - Age Nineteen

Nineteen became my most hated period of time. A few months after that holiday at Jeju Island, we started our first year of university and I received the news of my dad's illness that arrived out of thin air. My mom and I didn't expect any of it to happen, but he became very unwell within the first few months of freshman year at university. 

Jungkook and I were distant with each other. He occupied most days with coursework and Hana while I skipped most classes to be with my dad. Our conversations were simple and short but they were my safe haven during the time I had to travel back and forth to the hospital and university. Nevertheless, soon after that painful news arrived, another came along to take its place. Jungkook decided to study abroad in America for two years. 

I had to smile when Jungkook told me the news. I needed him to be by my side at the moment, even though that sounded selfish because as much as I wanted Jungkook to live his life and do what he loved, a part of me wanted him to stay with me. I told him it would be a great opportunity and to go through with it, even though it broke my heart. 

On Jungkook's last day in Seoul, we met up at a small coffee shop that we used to go to everyday after school. Over the phone, Jungkook seemed extremely excited to tell me something but I wasn't in the mood to see anyone that day. My mood plummeted when I could a phone call from my mom saying my dad has to go in for surgery due to heart complications. I wanted to be alone and dwell in my sadness, but it was Jungkook's last day after all, so once again I had to force another fake smile. 

"Hana said she will come with me to America," Jungkook began, a smile widening on his face. "I really love her, and I think I'm going to propose to her. I just can't imagine myself with anyone else, you know?"

Those words felt like the final shove to push me over the edge. My whole body was now going numb as those words registered in my brain. Thinking about him and Hana has hurt me, but now realise it was going to be forever was indescribably painful. I would never have him and he would never be mine. The any chance of us being together was officially gone. 

"I'm not sure when I'll propose to her, but maybe in the next year or something."

I knew I should be smiling or at least giving him some sort of answer, but the muscles on my face refused to move, like they were frozen in place. My mind was racing at a mile per minute, but it didn't form any thoughts. I could feel Jungkook's eyes burning onto me, and my heart was now achingly beating rapidly against my chest. 

"Please say something," Jungkook said softly, his eyes boring into mine.

"Congratulations, I'm happy for you." I said mutely, my eyes burning and my mouth growing dry. All I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and be left alone to wallow myself in self-pity and hatred. I couldn't show Jungkook how broken my heart was. I could deal with all the crushing emotions swallowing me whole later on but now I had to pretend to at least show my support for Jungkook's decision. "Hana is a lucky woman."

"Are you sure? You don't look happy." He said, barely audible as he continued to stare at me, the look of panic replaced with concern and it was growing by the second.

"I am happy," I lied. "You love each other, and she's willing to move so far away with you. I am just surprised that you jumped to the topic of marriage so suddenly."

"I know, we've been off and on for the last two years and that we are still teenagers," Jungkook continued, his eyes lighting up as he talked about Hana. "She also got accepted in the same school as me, so I think it's fate. I have never felt like this before, and I know she's the one."

"You are my best friend, and I'm just really happy this is happening for you. She loves you and you love her, it's perfect."

I knew I was rambling too much to sound normal, and judging by the expression on my face, he could tell something was wrong. My brain was screaming for me to shut up. Maybe I could play this conversation as over excitement, or just some form of extreme surprise. 

"I will always have you as well," Jungkook reassured, leaning over the table and grabbed my hand, squeezing it tightly. "I know things haven't been great recently, and this is an awful time to leave you but I'll make sure Taehyung comes over to keep you company."

"It's alright, it's your dream. Don't let my personal life hold you back, idiot." I said softly, looking up and giving him a small smile. The tears were already whelming up in my eyes. Every news I was given lately was hard and painful. It was like the world was giving up on me and giving me the worst luck ever. "It's going to be so hard not seeing your ugly face every day."

"I'll be always here for you no matter what. You know that," Jungkook said seriously, his eyes boring into mine with a concerned expression on his face.

"My father is doing just fine. We will be okay." I lied. "Don't worry about me."

"I'm glad," he said, eyes glued onto my face as he tried to gauge whatever was running through my head. It was like he was looking for something or trying to read my mind but had no idea what was happening. Jungkook knew me too well to know something was wrong even though he couldn't figure me out entirely. "Why do you seem so... not you?"

"I'm fine," I reassured him. "I just feel a bit overwhelmed with everything going on. I think I should go."

The lies escaped from my lips one after another. I just hoped I sounded more convincing out loud than in my head. Jungkook was my friend and I should be more supportive over their relationship no matter how hurt my heart left. 

"Do you want me to walk you home?" 

"It's okay. I have to pick up a few things on the way home." my voice began to shake, and my eyes were whelming up. 

"I'm going to call you later, okay?" His voice was quiet, but serious. One thing Jungkook was good at was not letting things go, and for once I was a bit unhappy about it. The last thing I needed was another conversation with Jungkook asking me what was wrong. I made a mental note to turn my phone off as soon as I left this cafe. I could deal with him another time but not right now.

I grabbed my coat, immediately ripping my gaze away from Jungkook, pushing the glass doors and made my way outside. The second as the wind brushed against my skin, I felt the sudden pain boiling over me, as my eyes filled with pointless tears while I walked down the street. It felt like I have been dropped in a pool of ice-cold water, and my body was seizing up. Every nerve in my body was working on overtime, but somehow dull all at once.

How could I been so stupid? How could I let myself fall in love with someone who would never love me the same way, especially that person being your best friend. 

Soon, it became Jungkook's time to leave Seoul for two years. At the airport, it was Jungkook's family, Taehyun and I waving him goodbye. Hana was there with her hand intertwined with his and smiling at each other every glance they got at each other. 

"Are you okay?" Taehyung whispered, leaning closer towards me.

"I'll be fine," I sniffled, quickly brushing the stray tear that left my eye. "Two years won't hurt right?"

I tried my hardest not cry when Jungkook gave me one last bone-crushing hug before taking Hana's hand again and headed towards the departure gate. Once I couldn't see Jungkook or Hana from the distance, I broke down in tears. He's really gone, and I wasn't sure what hurt the most: Losing my best friend or never telling him my feelings.

Age Nineteen: What a mess.