False Confidence

12

Being on my own in the mall is fun. I get to make my own rules. I slip into the book store, browsing. I find myself drawn to the childcare section. Interested for the first time in my life about it. I find myself looking at the stages a child should go through, all their 'milestones' Flipping through it I find myself intrigued. 

"Are you looking for yourself or someone else?" I look to the side and see a girl around my age, her is wearing the stores branded t-shirt. She isn't judging me just asking and I smile friendly. 

"A friend."  She smiles, reaching over and passing me another book.

"My sister loves Janet Lansbury on all things related to her children." I take the book asking her  questions about little toddlers Emma's age and by the time I approach the till I have three books about raising girls and none of the ones I had originally come for. I do not mind, I will read them all anyway because I enjoy learning about all sorts of things.  I end up getting Sarah some face roller, it is supposed to help smooth her skin out and she loves those kind of things. Afterwards I Head to the clothes court. I might has well get new pj's instead of the rags I wear. I do not think they will last another night. I get my usual go to- a huge t-shirt from the boys section, because their t-shirts are way softer than anyone's in the girls section and seem to be the kind of shapeless fit I go for. I find it extremely annoying that the girls section don't acknowledge the comfort aspect of clothing.

Making my way over to the girls section I finger the silky ones, my mind wondering to dangerous places but deciding I do not want to go there I move on. Buying a cute shirt I know Harriet will love, some new winter boots for myself. Since It is getting super cold and I need ones that won't slip on the ice. Passing the children's section I pause. I know that Emma has enough clothes, I helped organize her clothes just yesterday and after what Spencer gave and my mom bought her wardrobe is fully stocked, but I still stop because there is a cute little plaid shirt like the one her mom was wearing today. I might get lost in all the cute things.

I find myself spending more than I should but I can't stop purchasing the cute little things that I know Alena will be annoyed at me for. But doesn't every kid need baby converse? My phone starts ringing as I am about to head into the toy shop-mostly for myself but I might also be curious what two year old's are into today.

Glancing down I see it is Alena, it is only 11 so I frown. "Everything alright?"

"We are at the mall, where are you?" She has a habit of not answering my questions. 

I look up at the toy shop sign in a somewhat guilty expression. "The food court?"

"You asking or telling?"

"I am heading to the food court," Turning around I start heading in the opposite direction "See you there?"

"Okay." She hang's up and I grin, I guess she took my advice. 

I try walk quickly to the food court but they get there before I do. I see them at an empty table. Emma is looing around excitedly while Alena is frowning at her phone.

"Hi." I breath out, trying to not give a way I might of run a bit towards the end. She looks up, eyebrows furrowed.

"Where were you?"

"The other side," I say placing down all my bags, she eyes them and I see a spark of curiosity in them before she turns away. "You guys hungry?" I ask glancing around at all the options.

"Hunry." Emma blurts out pointing at me "No ma'am." 

I grin "No, Harper, remembering, Harper." I try annunciate the word and she tilts her head. "Harrper." I try again. 

"Har-pa." She grins when I clap slightly.

"You hungry?" I ask the little girl who nods, hands going back into her mouth. 

"She is fine we will eat back at the house." Alena says firmly, sliding her phone into her bag.  "Are you done at the mall?" I frown at her terse attitude. 

"Did you guys eat at the party?" She frowns at me and I get my answer. "Well then my treat, what you want, burger, fries? pizza? sub? salad?" 

"You are not going to let this go are you?" She asks frowning and I shake my head so with a sigh she tells me her order I head to get it plus something for myself, shopping is hungry work. By the time I make it back Alena is more than happy to dig in, sharing  her food with Emma who despite saying she is hungry uses the chip more as a painting brush on the table than actually eating. 

"So what happened?" Alena has finished a decent portion of her food and seems to be slowing down. She doesn't answer, shrugging her shoulders. 

"Alena, please tell me." I say exasperated, I have learnt so much and yet so little about her in the last few days that I feel like I am tearing my hair out. "You might think I am childish or naïve but I can only try be better if you let me."

"I don't think that." I don't believe her and she sighs. "When I first met you, things were easier."

"How?" Now I am confused as she plays with fry. 

"Everything had a pattern, Emma was in preschool, I was the captain of a team I actually liked and I was set for the future, then after the party, well things just seemed to spiral." I nod in understanding, so my dad was right something did happen. 

"It sucks that your life went bad but, but it isn't my fault." I tell her trying to be sensitive but blunt. 

"I never-"

"-You acted like I was this huge annoyance, that I caused all this pain all the time, meanwhile you went out of your way to make me dislike you, you even threatened my sister position. "

She is silent for a while and Emma as if sensing the situation points at me "No Ma'am Har-pa." I smile softly but wait for her to speak.

"They just want me to take Emma off gluten and sugar." 

I drop my jaw in shock "The horror!" She seems amused by my reaction, after all I am hardly without something sweet and carbs are life. "They actually talk about the kids diets and stuff?" She nods, dragging another fry into her mouth and swallows it down with some milkshake. 

"I said I would think about it to appease them but then they started naming all these specialists. "Her jaw tightens and I see the frustration flash through her eyes "It just seemed so out of contest, most nights I was glad if I could get her something veg something protein and something carb, but these moms operate on another level and I get it, I was brought up like that."

I watch as she shakes herself out, as if she can take all the words they mutter  and wash them off her back like a duck "But then all the kids started acting up and I didn't want Emma to be around that."

"It is all that no sugar and gluten shit, they are deprived."

"Sugar is not a food source, Harper." She seems amused when I look at her in shock and I am happy she is sharing something with me. Even if it is not some big confession. 

"Sweetie mama?" Emma asks in her innocent way and we burst out laughing because it is clear she was following this conversation. 

"Home?" I ask Alena and she nods, helping me gather my stuff and her daughter and heading towards the car.