Angels deserve to die-Larry Stylinson

chapter 10 (edited)

it was finally time to get back on the road, touring. a few weeks ago i broke down when management called us in for a meeting and showed us a tour schedule, thinking it would ruin me to tour but i've been seeing a therapist and it's slowly been helping me not dive off the deep end.

so here we were, me and louis packing suitcases once again to get on a plane. our first stop on the tour was new york city, i love new york.

"are you sure you're gonna be okay doing this?" louis asked and i shrugged

"i honestly don't know, but elizabeth is coming with us so that should be able to help if i need it" elizabeth is my therapist, she's helped me a lot the past few weeks and management thought it seemed like a good plan to bring her which i didn't argue with. she's nice enough.

louis sat down on the bed across from
where i was packing my suitcase full of comfy clothes. "i know you had a hard time with the concept of touring again, i don't want this to fuck up everything you've worked so hard to do"

i nodded "i know but i have you guys, i know my coping skills, and cmon lou we've got a therapist coming with us on tour. it can't get much safer than that"

he just nodded, he didn't believe me and to be honest i don't believe myself either but we're gonna give it a shot

-

it was the third week of tour, we got really busy really quick and it was nice but at the same time not nice. louis was really busy, another managment team wanted him to write songs for them to sell to their artists and he was so excited, i was too of course but he was staying up late and sleeping in until the middle of the day leaving us no time to talk. and to be honest, it sucks. i'm not doing great anymore, elizabeth had a family emergency last week and had to go home, she told me to call her if i needed anything but i didn't want to bother her during a time she would be stressed.

she would be back in a few weeks but fuck, this sucks. i stopped taking my anti depressants. they make me feel like i'm not a real person on them, it changed everything about me to constantly be taking this little pill. i stopped taking them almost a month ago now and nobody has noticed. not even louis but he never has time for me anymore and i know it's not anyone else's responsibility to look after me but it still hurts. nobody cares anymore.

i sighed and got up off of my bed it was all getting to all be too much again. all i could think about was self harming. it was getting harder to stay clean, bringing me to the uncomfortable porcelain bathtub of our hotel bathroom, staring at the sharp object in front of me. i sighed and let the tears i've been holding in fall. self harming in the bathtub always felt poetic to me. if i go too deep i'm not making too much of a mess for someone else to clean up and it's such a clean space. ruining it with my mental instability and blood just seemed right somehow.

call louis

the voice in my head said. it was his voice. but it was fighting with the ones that screamed at me to shove a blade into my skin.

i closed my eyes and took a deep breath, when i opened them i grabbed my phone. louis had gone out to go grab some food for us while the other boys went shopping but i needed him and i needed him now. i let out a shaky breath and clicked on his contact

"hey what's up?"

"l-lou" i mumbled into the phone, wiping my tears away

"harry? what's wrong? what's going on? are you okay?" he sounded concerned

"i'm on the verge of it lou. i don't-i don't know what to do?" i let out a sob

"h, i'm two minutes away. two minutes, can you hold on for two minutes?"

i nodded but he couldn't see me, another sob left my body

"harry"

i sobbed and held the blade between my fingers before dropping the phone to the floor. my head was too much. every fiber in my body wanted me to dig a blade into my skin, tears streamed down my face and it felt like forever until i finally did it. digging the blade into my skin, feeling the relief i've been craving all week.

"harry!" louis said bashing into the bathroom door and it swung open, he dropped to his knees and i sobbed pulling my arm away from him, trying to hide the bloody mess he'd already seen

louis didn't say anything as he cleaned my arm, he didn't say anything when i apologized a countless amount of times, he didn't say anything as he held me while i sobbed and slow tears dropped from his eyes.

when i started to calm down i looked over to louis "im so so sorry louis" he turned and looked at me and wiped his own tears before getting off the floor and disappearing. i stayed in the bathroom until i heard the front door slam shut, he left. tears fell from my eyes and i let out a sob

"what the hell harry? where's lou? wasn't he literally just here?" liam said running into the bathroom

i shrugged "he left"

"he didn't say anything? hey what's wrong" he asked and i realized the tears were still streaming down my cheeks

"i relapsed"

liam sighed "what's going on harry"

i shrugged again and he nodded "alright how about we go watch a movie. i'll make some popcorn and call louis. figure out where he went."

one movie turned into two and then two turned into five. it was midnight and louis still hadn't returned. nobody knew where he was and we were all getting concerned.

"maybe we should call the police?" niall asked

"he's 20 and he's been gone for only a few hours. they can't do anything" liam mumbled and niall nodded

as if on cue louis walked through the door

"what the hell louis!" niall yelled

"where the fuck did you go!" liam yelled

louis didn't reply. he walked to his room silently and niall followed him. liam and i could just barely hear screaming from the living room.

"maybe we should go to sleep" liam suggested and i nodded

we made our way upstairs and i sat in my bed listening to the screaming from the next room over.

"it took me two minutes niall! two minutes! he fucking did it just to spite me!" louis" voice was heard through the walls

"are you seriously that fucking selfish? your boyfriend is hurting and you think it was all to spite you? wow louis"

"i'm not fucking doing this now" i heard louis mumble exhaustedly and a tear dropped from my eye.

"do you wanna sleep with me tonight harry? i know you're not okay. and i know you heard them yelling. it's not okay, what louis said."

i nodded slightly and slowly made my way over to liams bed and sat down. "you guys are gonna be okay harry. i know you're worried about it. you always are. louis will get over it" i heard the front door slam yet again meaning louis had left. i wasn't sure about anything liam was saying. i ruined our relationship. i sighed and laid down, staring at the ceiling trying to fight back tears while liam tried to make me feel better, until i fell asleep.