when i'm swallowed down. （ a. knight ）

nine.

Miles and Lucas putting the Los Angeles date at the very end of the Fandom tour was a special kind of torture. Jessa was itchy the entire length of the tour, trying to constantly curb her jealousy as the flood of adorable meet and greet photos and videos crossed her Twitter timeline. Everyone was so excited, the guys looked like they were having a blast, and the tour had sold more tickets than any other tour the guys had done to date. Their success was well-earned in Jessa's opinion. They worked so hard.

Jessa got ready with Daphne at her apartment and then drove them to the venue to meet the guys before they had to be serious musicians and actually do their job.

Jawn was out of the venue's side door so fast, scooping Daphne up all cute like a romance movie. Jessa shook her head and headed into the venue to figure out where the rest of the guys were hanging.

"Hi, Otto!" Jess said warmly when she found him sitting in the hallway on his phone.

"Jessie!" He stood up and bear hugged her tightly. "He's in the green room, just so you know."

"You're the best," she told him and then headed down the hallway toward the green room.

"Hey, Jessie! How are you?" Geoff noticed her walk in first, holding a Gatorade in his hand.

"Hi! I'm good! I'm so hype for tonight," she said and laughed when Geoff's arm hooked around her shoulders and he pulled her in close. "I promise to get you to the airport fast tonight so you can get home."

"You're a lifesaver," Geoff said sincerely and then released her.

"Pay attention, Awsten. I'm here now!" Jessa said loudly to interrupt him on his phone. His dumb ADHD brain made him hyperfocus on whatever he was doing so he usually drowned out everything else when he was focused on something.

He looked up, his expression a bit dazed from being pulled out of his focus, and then he settled on her. Jessa. She was here. When did she get here? God, she looked beautiful. He loved the way she looked in those jeans. God.

Awsten stood up from the couch and Jessa threw herself into his waiting arms, laughing when he took a step back to steady himself from the force of her. He buried his face into her hair and inhaled the sweet smell of vanilla as it attacked his senses.

"I missed you so much," he said quietly.

"Are we pretending tonight?" Jessa whispered in his ear.

"No. Not tonight." It was hard not to feel disappointed. She had wanted to kiss him again, kiss him like she did in her apartment before he left. "It's over, Jessie. I told the guys everything."

A heavy feeling of nausea swept over her at the word. Over. What was over? Their fake relationship? It shouldn't have mattered. God, it shouldn't have mattered. That meant she was free. She didn't have to pretend to date Awsten anymore and she could real date anyone she wanted. But that was the rub, wasn't it? Jessa didn't want anyone else. She wanted Awsten. And she thought he wanted her, too.

The evening passed in a blur of sounds. They all had dinner together nearby and were back in the venue for the guys to set up and soundcheck. Awsten went back to being just her friend but Jessa had to continuously fight the urge to hold his hand or move his hair from his forehead or just straight up kiss him. But he was treating her like a friend, and friends don't do that.

"Why do you look like someone just kicked your puppy?" Daphne asked, sitting down beside Jessa on the couch in the green room.

"Awsten told the guys that we were fake dating. So. Now we aren't fake dating," Jessa said and then shrugged.

"So that's why you look like you got broken up with."

"But we didn't break up, Daph. We never dated." Jessa shook her head. "It's pathetic, right? Being sad that it's over."

"It's really not. You're in love with him. Fake relationship or not. You love him."

"Yeah, I do. I love him," Jessa said, tasting the words on her tongue for the first time. "I love Awsten Knight."

Daphne snorted. "Well someone has to."

Jessa gave her a dry look. "Can you be helpful?"

"I don't know, can I?" Daphne giggled at Jessa's look. "So talk to him about it. Tour is over. This is the perfect time to talk to him about it."

"I will. Thanks for the pep talk, Daph."

"You're welcome!"

There was only ten minutes until Waterparks was due to go on stage. The guys were doing their rituals and Jessa sat next to Awsten as he tried to zen out in preparation to go on stage.

"Awsten, we need to talk," Jessa said suddenly.

"We aren't playing that song this tour, sorry," Awsten responded immediately, without opening his eyes.

"I don't want to pretend anymore," Jessa said slowly.

"We aren't. I told the guys𑁋"

"I don't want to pretend anymore because I want it to be real," Jessa corrected herself, cutting Awsten off but for, what she hoped, was a good reason.

Awsten sat up then, his eyes open. He watched her for a long few moments, searching her face. He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Are you..." he stopped himself, swallowing. "Are you sure?"

Jessa smiled, warm and bright like the sun. "I love you, Awsten."

He watched her face radiate warmth like a star glowing and he would've cried if he weren't so overcome with emotion. "I love you, too, Jessa."

Their kiss was tender and sweet, almost tentative. There was no pretending anymore. They were just themselves. Awsten and Jessa. Jessa and Awsten. Two sides of the same coin, twin flames, soulmates.

In the middle of their set, Geoff and Otto left the stage as Lucas handed Awsten his acoustic guitar and Awsten strummed a few chords before stepping back up to the mic in front of him.

"So y'all know I'm in love with this girl, right?" he started and the crowd screamed. "Turns out, we lied to y'all. Yeah. We fake dated to get my mom off my back. Sorry, Mom!" He laughed. "But now we're actually dating. Not in the fake way. Love is tight, ya know?" He strummed another few chords, the opening to Lucky People, and the crowd screamed again. "I didn't write this song for her, but that's okay. Song meanings change. It's for her now. So let's sing a love song, okay? Sing with me."

It took so much effort not to throw herself out on stage and kiss him for that little declaration. Awsten was not a PDA kind of person. He had gotten a lot more private after things with Ciara had blown up so spectacularly in his face. So to have him admit his feelings in front of a screaming crowd of people was huge. Jessa was very flattered.

Awsten went to sleep well past his bedtime that night, and he couldn't have been happier to be so exhausted.