when i'm swallowed down. （ a. knight ）

two.

Ciara wasn't supposed to mean anything. She was a crush, yes, but Awsten had crushes before that usually resolved themselves because Awsten was usually so focused on other things. But this crush didn't stop.

In fact, he felt himself spiraling within himself quite a bit. He was always trying to get her attention, make her laugh, make her have to touch him in some way. He was a man possessed. She was bright like the sun and it blinded him to everything else.

Suddenly every single thing he tried to write was about her. He wrote lines of fluffy, saccharine-sweet words about how she made him feel, how her voice and her laughter looked like sparkles, how everything about her was yellow and that color filled him up inside until all his empty spaces were closed up and he was falling. He was falling, yes, but it was okay because it was with her, with Ciara.

His soulmate.

He was blind. Or maybe he didn't want to see. He spent so much time trying to keep her attention on him that he didn't realize how that made him feel inside. Why did he have to fight so hard to keep his girlfriend's attention? Shouldn't she automatically be paying attention to him? They loved each other.

Right?

But every single time he went to an event in support of her, his skin crawled at every look any male peer gave her, his eyes fixed on where arms were around her waist when she hugged someone, watched how the corners of her eyes wrinkled when she smiled at them.

How she would often forget Awsten was in the room if she was with another guy.

Still Awsten brushed these things off, ignored them, stuffed them away. He was never going to get someone like Ciara again. He needed her. Especially after how rejected and shitty he felt after he broke up with Grace and she turned right back around and got with his best friend not three months later. He buried that anger and resentment into his new relationship, but he felt them bubbling under the surface sometimes, that insecurity.

Was Ciara looking at other guys? She surely could have been. She had no problem lying to Awsten in the beginning about her previous relationship, how she flirted with Awsten knowing full well she was still in a relationship. It made his insecurity skyrocket to heights he didn't even know it could get to.

Still he bushed these things off, ignored them, stuffed them away.

Parties became routine and Awsten hated them. The rational, musician side of him knew that networking and mingling was part of his job, albeit probably one of the worst because he didn't think it was important to suck up to shallow, rich alcoholics who didn't give a shit about him, his band, or his art. The other side of him wanted to be at home, in bed, maybe watching The Office and eating candy.

The only redeeming part about this night was that Awsten had roped Jessa into coming. It wasn't anything spectacular, but Ciara liked to be seen and she liked to drink, in that order. Awsten wasn't interested in either one of those tonight, and had almost told Ciara that he wasn't going with her tonight but Jessa came through at the last minute and agreed to meet up.

Ciara was busy chatting up some people that she knew and Awsten didn't, which made him feel awkward and out of place. He felt a little settled when he spotted Jessa skirting around groups of people to get to him. She had dressed for the occasion in a dazzling gray dress made of slinky silk-looking material. She looked so good, like she always did. Dressed for the event but not calling too much attention to herself.

"Hey, good-looking!" she said when she got close enough to speak to him, throwing her arms around his neck.

"I'm so glad you're here," he told her, folding his arms tight around her waist.

"I can't believe you're here. It's all dumb LA influencers and B-list celebrities," Jessa said with a laugh and then quickly untangled her arms from around Awsten when she noticed Ciara headed their way.

Jessa gave Awsten a look that he couldn't entirely read but it felt like it was supposed to be an insult pointed toward his girlfriend, though she hadn't said anything.

"Look who's here!" Ciara said brightly, her fake sweetness all ready so exhausting. "Aws, you didn't tell me Jessa was coming."

Awsten tried not to cringe. He forgot to think of a good story to use that would explain why Jessa was here. He couldn't exactly tell Ciara that he would've rather slammed his hand in a car door than attend this party with her. That wouldn't have gone over well.

"Actually, I kind of invited myself tonight." Jessa to the rescue, again. "I heard some people from Vine were going to be here, so I thought I'd press my luck. I hope that's not a problem."

Jess was too bold. And Ciara looked half ready to either dump her drink on Jess or scream. Maybe both.

"No, not at all. I've been so busy all night. It'll be nice to have someone keep Aws company." Jessa tried not to flinch at the nickname. "I'm gonna talk to my director for a bit. Will you be okay here with Jess while I'm gone?"

Awsten nodded. "Don't worry. Go do your thing."

"You're sweet. Thanks, honey."

Ciara made a big show of throwing her arms around Awsten and kissing him soundly. She knew how he felt about PDA and yet still continued to stomp her feet all over his boundaries. Ciara left in a flourish and both Awsten and Jess watched her go back to the little group of her cast members, laughing at something as she sat down again.

"Was that as painfully awkward for you as it was for me?" Jessa asked, trying to lighten the mood. But Awsten looked a bit miserable and felt it more than he looked it. "Come on. Show me where the soda is?"

"I'm sorry about her. I don't get her sometimes," Awsten said suddenly, shaking his head.

Jessa smiled at the way his bright blue hair fell across his brows in just enough deliberate dishevelment. He looked so handsome.

"I don't want to cause issues for you, Aws. I can take myself home," she told him seriously.

"I don't want to hear that again, okay?" Awsten turned, handing her a can of soda from the fridge. "I'm glad you're here. Really."

And that was the end of it. The night carried on and Ciara didn't really come back, preferring to stick with her friends instead while Jess and Awsten entertained themselves. It was getting late, though, and Awsten looked tired and he was starting to talk silly which was his most noticeable tell. Jess excused herself to run to the bathroom before the Uber arrived and bumped into Ciara on the way back to Awsten.

She smelled like bourbon and that overwhelming perfume she wore. "You need to stay away from him," she said, slurring her words just slightly.

"I'm not gonna do that, Ciara. He's my friend," Jessa said, frowning. She looked past Ciara for a moment, her eyes scanning the room for Awsten, but she couldn't find him.

"Pay attention!" Ciara moved back in front of Jessa's line of vision. "Stay away from Awsten, okay? He's mine."

"He doesn't belong to anyone." Jessa hadn't fought over a boy since middle school. She didn't think she would be standing here at this party at twenty-five, arguing over a boy.

"He's writing me songs, you know. Songs about how much he loves me and needs me. Has he done that for you? No, I didn't think so." She was being so immature. Jessa wondered if Awsten knew Ciara was like this.

"I'm going home now," Jessa told her and stepped to the side to move around her.

However, Ciara gripped Jessa's arm and looked at her with a clarity she hadn't had in the last few minutes. Anger definitely sobered people up.

"I mean it, Jessa. Stay away from Awsten."

As much as Jess didn't want to admit it, she wondered if maybe she should do exactly that.