The Bright Side

Fourteen

"I hope he never comes back." I scoff at the mention of my dad.  I try to refocus on the book I'm reading but my mom's voice interrupts the attempt.

"Listen...I understand that you aren't a huge fan of your papá but please try to be nice." She takes the seat opposite of me at the dining room table.

I want to tell her. I want to tell her that I know. I want to show her the bruise on my stomach. I want to tell her that I've seen a lot more than she knows. I want to tell her that he makes me want to jump off of a fucking cliff.

Except I won't. As I let my mouth go ajar a little to let out everything I have to say, the words get lodged in my throat.

If I speak about it I'll start crying.

Some situations are touchy. My father situation is one of them. For years I've stayed quite. I've left it alone, praying that things will get better through time.

The subject of my dad is something my mother and I never discuss. For a long time I've been telling myself that we will talk about it one day. We will come up with a plan to get my dad out of our lives.

Except in a way I don't think she wants that. I see the love leaking out of her eyes when she sees him. She doesn't see the empty bottle in his hand, or the way he barely responds when she asks him how his day was.

My father has cheated on my mother, several times. He still does. She thinks I don't know that, but I do. My mom is a very forgiving person. She forgave my father for the cheating. Knowing her she probably thought "everyone desvenes a second chance" or "it was only a mistake". I feel like in a way she knows that he is still does it, except she doesn't want to believe it. She wants to believe that her husband is faithful. Even though he is nothing of the sort.

She has a - what some may refer to - as an "older" mindset, when it comes to relationships and marriage.  I truthfully don't think that she knows what a heathy relationship is supposed to look like.

I can tell that she is aware of the small bruises he accidentally gives her. She only wears long sleeves and long pants. Except she doesn't say anything about it.

With the way my mother thinks she probably believes, "oh but it was just an accident, sure he hasn't treated me the best in the past, but he's changed". I don't think she wants to accept it.

I don't know how every aspect of abusive relationships work. For a long time I didn't understand why my mother just stood by my father, letting him treat her like shit. I was mad that she did and still does nothing.

My mom has been roped up with my dad for a long time.

They came to this country together, by themselves.  They have no one else.

Dad wasn't always like this. I still cherish the memories I have from when he wasn't a shitty person, when he wasn't a mean drunk. Except people change.

Especially when alcohol is involved.

My father chose alcohol over his family. He was once a loving man, who kissed his kids on the forehead before bed every night.

Mom tried to get him help once for it a long time ago.  She gained a new bruise that day.

A big reason why I believe my mother hasn't left him is because she is in love with the man she married. She is in love with who he used to be.

I wish she could just let that version of him go. That is not him anymore. It hasn't been for a long time.

She needs to let go.