Tips for trans guys

Questioning your gender is a hell of a mess

(Hey, I feel like this chapter looks a lot like the one on detransition and how to know, but it's not really the same thing I guess ? Here, this is for people unsure of their gender and all. But like, if it looks too much like another chapter, tell me.)

So, here I'm talking to people who aren't sure. You probably are lost in all the terms you can find, and go take quizzes on the internet and watch transition timeline until 3 a.m.

I know how this feels, I've been there friends.

Here I was, super stressed, not knowing for sure if I was really a guy, if I had to call myself non binary, and then asking myself "then what is my sexuality?". This lasted for some time, approximatively 1 year and a half or 2 years. 

I'm not gonna lie, there are still times when I doubt myself. But it has become less invasive, and I don't stress about this a lot. I finally can sleep at night, and stopped taking this unhealthy amount of quizzes and existential crisis. So, let me tell you how to do that:

I- Remember some things:

* Gender is complicated. For anyone that really thinks about it, it is confusing. What you are feeling is normal.

* Doubting is healthy. It means you are not rushing into a conclusion without thinking.

* It's okay to finally change label because you realised the other didn't do it.

* It's also okay to not put on you a label. You can just say to all of this terms a big "fuck you" and just do what makes you feel good.

* Every thing can be confusing and very worrying in your head, because your thoughts there are twisted and taken again and again, tortured permanently. If you say what you feel and what you fear to someone else, things could make more sense.

* Even if it's important, it is a big of a deal for a lot of people, you should take what I call "gender breaks". Stop caring about gender just the time of a movie or something. Stop analyzing yourself permanently.

II - What you should/could do:

Write down a list. A list that describe you, without relating it to gender. Sometimes, you need to disconect the two a little to see who you are clearer. These are points that re not going to change, whatever your gender is. This is you.

For example, write down : What you like to do on a rainy day, what is the best drink on a hot day of summer, what are the three best ouftifs you wish you had, where you imagine yourself living as an adult, what you can find of your pockets, what are 5 films you watched the most and loved the most... 

Plus, doing so can distract you from the distress you feel about gender.

III- Ask you these questions:

* Why are you questionning your gender? 

* Imagine you living as your assignated gender at birth. Does this feels okay? Can you even imagine it? How do you feel about this?

* If there was a scientific test that can assure you if you are cis or trans, with no doubts, the result will be 100% correct, would you do it ? Why or why not?

* If gender roles didn't exist (for example, pink is for everyone, dresses are for everyone, there are no gendered activites or anything in the eye of society), would you still question your gender ?

* If you hesitate between different labels, what connects them all ? For example (I'm very bad with genders so pardon me if I say shit), imagine you hesitate between trans guy, demi boy and genderfluid. You can connect all of these to masculinity.

V- Don't try to put on a label.

Experiment ! Don't try to describe what you are right away. Sometimes, labels are not useful. Once again, make a list, try out things.

-> What do you want to look like ?

* Would you want a flat/not flat chest?

*Would you want a deep/high voice?

*Would you want bigger/smaller hands?

* Would you want other genitalia?

* Would you like to mix some of the female and male parts, such as a flat chest and a penis? Of top surgery without taking T ?

* What kind of clothing do you want to wear?

* Do you want to present more masculine, feminine or androgynous/depending on the time ?

->  What makes you feel you ?

* Do you like being called a young man/boy/young woman/girl/non gendered terms?

* How does different pronoums makes you feel ? 

* Do you like wearing a binder/binding your chest (with what you have)? How does that make you feel ?

* Do you like what packing looks on you ? (putting on a packer or just a sock in your underwear to give the illusion of a penis).

* Do you envy other people? Are they all from a same sex/gender ? What connects all the people you feel envy from ?

Personnaly, I've felt a lot of relief from two things:

* Stopping to try putting on me a label. I say I'm a trans guy, that is what is the most easy, the most logic thing to say. But hell, do I really know gender ? I just know I feel gender dysphoria and am not a girl. But could I be agender ? Well, maybe. I don't know. I don't care that much, I just know I'm not a girl and have some physical excepectations.

* Talking about it. To my parents (wich was pretty scary at first but it does kinda help) and my psy. Your words in another mouth than yours can sound totally differently. More simple. Kind of illy, even tho it was a sentence you had existential crisis on. Knowing I'm not alone with all of that reassured me.

Also guys: You don't have to know your sexuality either. Myself, I don't know. At all. And that's okay anyway, because seeing how social awkard I am, I'm not having my first date tomorrow.

Take care of you, and if you read this around midnight and 5 a.m, go get some damn sleep buddy. Shut down this phone or this computer, shut your eyes and dream about the better thing that is.