Tips for trans guys

it's nearly midnight where I'm at

Yo, I might delete this tomorrow. Or not, I'm lazy and don't have a memorie, so, nothing is sure.

It's that time of the day (night in fact) where I have one of my identity crisis.

It may be interesting to observe a confused teen in its natural environment (or not), plus I want to write where someone can read. It is possible that I read it tomorrow and say like "woah, what a piece of garbage" or "woah, I was so right", like when you wake up of a dream where you are given the secret of eternal life (by some galactics octopus that say you need to eat 5OO g of persil every day to be immortal) and write it down, read it in the morning, and you realise maybe the octopus were just making fun of you.

Bref. Here I go:

So, I don't really know, having a gender stress me the fuck out. I say I'm a guy, because that's the more simple option in my feels. I say I'm a guy because I like being gendered at masculin, referred as a guy and all. I wanted to be a boy so bad when I was a kid, I used to tell myself that when I'll die, I'll regenerate as a boy. I had so many males alter-ego, and a so big rejection for feminity to be more seen as a guy.  But now... Since 2018 or 2017, I don't think I want to be a boy, I am one. But in fact, since this moment not a second passed without me wondering if I am really a guy, testing my feelings and all. So the fact of even talking about gender stress me the fuck out!

These times, I try a lot to go "back to being a girl", like when I was 15, and I just looked in the mirror and screamed I was a girl, because I'm scared and in fact, my parents are not liking it at all. I 

Maybe I'm agender. But I still like presenting masc and masc pronoums. If I'm agender or non binary or I don't even know the word, should I get on T and have a top surgery?

Surgery scare me so much, I hate it, even if its on someone else and not related to trans stuff, it creeps me out, I don't know why. I have a problem with body changes inflicted by an operation in fact, this doesn't make any sense. If I take T, I want it to disepear, that's all. It may be possible since it's not that important.

But should I get on T? I'm scared I don't like it, or that people look at me strangely because I'm changing. Plus I feel like I'm killing the one I love by transitionning, because they say it is so dramatic, and I feel guilty. I don't want to be trans, it's a pain for everyone.

What do I even expect from T? I guess just a deeper voice, some more masc traits, but I'm scared my face change to much, More masculine feature also on my hands and all, height maybe.. I heard about weightgain too, and it scares me so much because I don't want to take weight, it makes me sick, and if I take some I'm gonna make myself throw up wich is bad.

I'll feel good being agender, but using masculine pronoms and taking T, but is it even possible? People will not take me seriously.

Last day, a girl in my class was making fun of non binary people, and that other girl (that is cool) defended non binary people, saying it's a real thing and she shouldn't make fun of them, and it gave me a little bravery and hope/ faith in humanity.

What makes me sad is that I'll always be the black sheep of my family, the queer one, the freak, the one we avoid talking aboit because we are ashamed of it. The daughter that mutilated her body, the monster, a it, I don't want that. I'm scared that in the future, if I get nephew and all, I'm not authorized seing them, when all I want is to be a cool uncle. I thought about kids too, and I thinks it could be cool, but the idea of having to carry it in myself make me sick, plus, who could want someone/ something like me? If I stayed as a girl, I could aybe find someone, but who wants that? A person with a "female body" taking T, only some weird fetishists. I'm not even sure who I love, if I can even love, its blurry in my head.

I'll feel good being agender and taking T, but I'm just too scared to move. 

I want to have the balls to say it to my family, to affirm myself. But they keep pushing me down and making me doubt, I'm tired, I don't know how to fight that.

I hope this doesn't offen anyone, I'm half sleeping, I may be not politically correct.

I'm so tired, good night.