Blue {DoTae} | complete

Nine: I'm holding myself together

"Mum?" Doyoung's voice sounds timid in the kitchen, especially over the top of the crashing of pots and pans and the podcast his mother's blaring from her phone. He clears his throat and tries again. "Mum?" She hears him this time and nearly drops a mixing bowl when she spins around to assess the source of the sound. He has no idea what on Earth she's baking at this ungodly hour in the morning. It's barely gone seven. Plus, there are still a few cookies left if anyone is peckish enough for something sweet.

"Don't scare me like that!" His mother protests as she fixes her glasses. Doyoung mutters an apology, then waits for her to pause her podcast before continuing. It earns him a bit of time to rehearse what he's going to say in his head and take a few deep breaths. "What can I do for you?"

"Would I be allowed to take singing lessons?" Doyoung makes the effort to raise his eyes to meet hers and squeezes his hands behind his back to distract himself from the immense discomfort that immediately shoots through his body. "Please?"

His mother's pursed lips and heavy inhale are not positive signs but Doyoung maintains his poker face with the hope that he can sway her initial opinion.

"I thought you wanted to prioritise your studies?" She says. Doyoung deflates and slides onto a chair, elbows leaning on the table in a way that would earn him a scolding if they were eating a meal.

"I do want to prioritise my studies." Doyoung starts. He has to sort through his thoughts before he's able to formulate a response that's worded in a suitable way and, more importantly, in a way that could convince his mother. "But I would like to pick up singing properly as a side hobby."

"Then you don't need to spend any money on it." His mother concludes. The force with which she rips open a bag of sultanas tells Doyoung that she's irritated by his question. He does his best to not show his disappointment but she still looks at him with pity that makes him squirm under her gaze. She pushes the bag of fruit to one side, inhales, and leans forward. Doyoung braces himself. "Look, you know we can't afford it."

"You can apply to get them cheaper or something, can't you? The college has some kind of scheme for music lessons, I'm sure." Doyoung's voice certainly isn't hiding how desperate he is for his mother to accept his request. His heartbeat pulses through his ears as the woman stops what she's doing to stare him down, eyes steely and warning him to shut up. It's clearly a no. "I guess a birthday party is out of the question too then?"

"Yes." His mother confirms. She didn't need to do so and hearing the word hits like a punch to the gut. "Unless you're willing to pay for it. Which you're likely not because you don't even have a job."

Doyoung wants to escape but she's still looking at him, and by the way she taps her nails on the kitchen counter, he can tell she's gearing up for another rant.

"You're twenty, Doyoung. Twenty. Nearly twenty-one. You should have have a job by now. Don't any of your friends have jobs?" She gets back to work with weighing out the sultanas and transferring them into the mixing bowl with butter and some kind of spice, then reaches for the bags of flour and sugar. For a split second Doyoung flinches as though she were about to lob them in his direction.

"Not really." Doyoung says. He can't exactly tell his mother that dealing drugs seems to be the most common way to earn money in the extended circle of his acquaintances, and none of his closest friends have jobs. Jungwoo babysits for practically his entire street - for free! - while Sicheng is more or less set for life already with how much money his parents have sitting around. Doyoung would rather not set his eyes on drugs or small children.

"Well, start thinking about finding a job, alright? In the meantime, are you ready for class yet?" Doyoung takes that as his signal to leave.

He could have predicted that she'd use the money excuse. His parents always do, and yet they keep buying random shit for the house so they're clearly in a better financial situation than they make out to be. Or they would be in a better situation if they didn't buy all that shit. It was worth the try, though.