How To drown On Land

13

Ethan kept texting, wanting to know if I'm "Ok or not" I just turned off the ringer. I was alone in the private studio, no one but me and my thoughts, and whenever I was in the dance room my thoughts came back to him. When he was breathing and healthy and smiling. Before I had gone and ruined his life. The man who I thought was saving me when it turned out he needed to be saved. My friend.

Freshmen year: I met Adam in dance class my freshman year. I was the only freshman in my class. I was also the only one who had done no school recitals and competitions.  Everyone was constantly doubting my skill tho because they were older than me. I was constantly doubting the rest of my team. Kimmy was the only one who was confident in my skills. and when the first recital of the year came around I was chosen to do a piece I created. The problem was that I needed a partner, it was a two-person modern piece, and the only person who I even thought about asking was my friend lily who used to dance at the school but had transferred to a school on the other side of the city.

I went up to Kimmie and was trying to explain I couldn't do my piece when she pointed at Adam who was stretching "he already said that if you needed help he'd be happy to" I blushed nervously, Adam was a junior but already had scouts from colleges scouting him to go to their schools, what was his intentions, why would someone as talented as his want to dance with me. I was about to decline when she called him over " Ryley said they would love to dance with you" Adam smiles "I'm excited to see what you've come up with " he says I look at the ground and I then nod determined to own my spot on the team. "It's kinda complicated but I'm sure you'll get it eventually," I say sarcastically he smiles gently "I'm sure it's beautiful, wanna practice after school?" he says then turns to Kimmie, "that's okay right if we use one of the private rooms?" she nods smiling.

 He looks at me "See you then Ryley" I nod nervously and walk to get my bag. I needed to go to the backroom to change, I asked Kimmie if I could do this at the beginning of the year. That way no one would see anything in the locker rooms. I was changing into my regular clothes trying to do so as quickly as possible when I got my head stuck in my sweater, "Hey Kimmie which practice room are we OMG Ryley I'm so sorry" Adam was staring at me while my stomach, and thighs are exposed and so were all the cuts from a few days ago. A minute goes by and he closes the door quickly. I quickly pull on my clothes and head out the door. Adam was waiting around the corner, I had to get out of there before he tried to talk to me. I don't think I could even go to our supposed rehearsal later.

"Ryley! Can we talk for just a moment?" Fuck. He was following me. "I'm late for class sorry," I say as I turn the corner, but he happens to be faster than he looks. I'm about to turn another corner when he grabs my hand pulling me toward an empty corridor, I look up at him and put on my mask

"Is this about rehearsal later, my mom actually texted me and told me my brothers have a game tonight, so I don't think I can go anymore" he looks at me sadly "You don't have to run from me" he says softly "I understand Ryley," suddenly I'm angry "No, you don't.  Don't tell me you understand" I say poking him in the chest "Stop lying to me, you don't, nobody ever does. It's all pity. That's all I fucking get" I say shaking, I can't cry I can't, "You just feel bad for me that's the only reason you're talking to me." I push him slightly but he doesn't move, he doesn't run.

I go to push him again I feel the tears stinging in my eyes "You're gonna tell everyone aren't you? The freshman is a psycho! I'm not! I'm fine ! I'm fine !" my hands are touching his chest to shove him away as he pulls me into a hug, I try and pull away but he's holding me so tight "You don't understand! You don't understand!" I say fighting him still, but he's still hugging me "Shhh it's okay, You're okay Ryley" I stop pushing him and fall into his arms sobbing. And that's how we stayed for the rest of the day, him holding me while I cried. Because for the first time someone I wasn't alone.

He later showed me his thighs, he did know how I felt. And he didn't tell anyone.. my secret was safe. If only I had realized what was happening. Nine months later I wouldn't be able to ever hug him again.

The present: There was a knock on the door as I was repeating the routine for the twelfth time. I went over to my phone pausing it and opened the door to see Preston standing there holding a can of coke "I'm here to take you home," I looked at him confused slightly but he came in and opened his arms after closing the door. 

It didn't even take a second for me to jump into them and suddenly he was holding me, "Shh you're safe now Ryley, it's okay" I didn't understand why he was comforting me until I realized, I was sobbing. I was crying in Preston's arms. he was petting my hair and just holding me tightly as I cried and cried. "I've got you, Ryles and I'm never letting you go" he whispered.

 I realized how scared I actually am of him leaving me, and joining Adam. The pictures his sister sent to me flash into my head. I don't realize I'm screaming, till Preston is shaking me and looking at me concerned, "Ryley!" I look at him crying more "No I don't want to kill another person get away from me! it's my fault you have to stay away" I beg, trying to pull away "Ryley! Adam's death wasn't your fault! it wasn't anyone's but his. You couldn't have known." he says making eye contact, and for a moment I actually believe him.