unexpected feelings | marichat

chapter forty-one

adrien's pov
   i was kissing marinette. the girl i loved. thank you, lucky charm! her lips were on mine and they felt so soft and pretty and it felt like five thousand akumas had just been unleashed in my stomach. there was this deliriously happy feeling surging through me, my heart was going haywire, and i wasn't sure i was even thinking straight anymore. all i was thinking of was how incredible it felt to finally be able to hold marinette, to kiss her. this was how kisses were supposed to feel. why did i take so long to confess?
marinette deepened the kiss, and i gladly took it in stride, happy that she was comfortable with this. i wasn't very aware of what protocol followed such a long kiss, but i knew i wasn't going to be the first to let go.
and i wouldn't have been, if a salty taste hadn't begun to intermingle with the sweet, strawberry taste of her lipgloss. were those... tears? i ran my thumb across her cheek gently through the kiss and found that it was definitely wet. she was crying. oh, she was crying! why was she crying?
i pulled away and inspected her face closely, finally being able to see the tears that fell freely from her eyes. my stomach knotted at the sight as i wondered what could have possibly made her cry in this moment.
"marinette? hey, are you okay?" i asked. what a stupid question. of course she's not, she's crying!
she sniffled and wiped at her eyes, which just kept refilling with new sets of tears. "how long do you think we could keep this up, chat?"
i furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. "what are you talking about? keep what up?"
marinette sighed exasperatedly. "THIS, chat. us, this... whatever we could call it right now. you know we can't be together. as nice as it would be, as much as i wish we could, we can't. it's much too risky with hawkmoth around. this kiss... it was the most wonderful thing i've ever felt. but, for now, it should be the last of us," she explained, her voice cracking as a sob went through her body.
"no, marinette, you can't... we could be careful. if we were as careful as possible, if we reduced the amount of time we spent in public together, if we... we could make this work. please, i know we can," i pleaded, taking her hands in mine. she shook her head and wrenched her hands away.
   "that's still risky, chat. i just... we can't date. not like this. you know hawkmoth would take any chance he gets to take your miraculous, and this would be a perfect one for him to do so."
   "then we could... i could show you who i am under the mask! that way, we could still go out, but the risk is lessened. nobody would know," i suggested, forgoing every rule i'd heard ever since i got my miraculous. surely for love an identity reveal was excused?
   marinette looked at me like i'd just sprouted two extra heads. "are you out of your mind? that makes it way riskier! hawkmoth could easily use either of us in some way to get ou- your miraculous! imagine one of us gets akumatized, chat. what happens then, huh? what happens when i lead hawkmoth to your civilian self while under the control of an akuma? or when you get akumatized and then you..." she trailed off, choking up. i shook my head. that's what this is about?
"are you saying you're doing this because you're... scared? of what i could do?" i asked, unsuccessfully trying to mask the hurt in my voice. i knew i was a threat. i'd figured just as much ever since new york. but it stung way more to hear it from one of the people i feared hurting most.
her eyes immediately widened and she put her hands on my arms, as if the action would lessen the blow. "no, stop, that's not what i meant at all, chat! i'm not... look, i'm not doing this to protect myself from you, or because i'm scared of you. god, if this were under normal circumstances... do you really think i wouldn't jump at the chance of being yours? you're the most amazing boy i've ever met, and i really, really wish this could work. but for now... it's safer if we didn't. please, can't you see this is protecting you?"
"i don't need your protection, marinette! whatever comes at us, i'm ready to face it. i'm willing to take on anything for this. if it means battling hawkmoth himself, so be it. if it means having to tell you who i am under the mask, so be it! even if it means having to be under the radar for the sake of safety, i'm completely okay with it. anything, marinette," i countered. one look at the determination in her tear streaked face told me this was a battle i wasn't going to win, but i was still going to try.
it wasn't fair. if we couldn't be together with me as chat noir, then dating as civilians was the next answer. but i couldn't just go out with her as adrien while hiding the fact that i was also chat noir. it would feel the same as lying to her. i needed to do this right. but she was relentless. for good reason, but i couldn't bear giving up.
   "and what would ladybug think if you revealed your identity to me, chat? if not for your own safety, what about hers? or mine? we'd all be caught in hawkmoth's fire." she must've known that would stop me. or at the very least make me consider it more. and she was absolutely right, because now i was reminded of how disappointed ladybug would be if she ever found out i revealed my identity. and of how dangerous it could be if hawkmoth got his hands on either of our miraculouses. not just for ladybug and i, but even for marinette, for being caught in between.
   i sighed. "it's just... it's not fair. it's really, really not, marinette." i must've sounded like a four year old throwing a tantrum by now, but marinette simply caressed my cheek, which hurt more than it helped when i considered that this was impossible.
   "i know it's not. but, hey, maybe in the future..."
i smiled at her words, which gave me hope. "definitely in the future. the very near future, if i have any say in it. hawkmoth won't be around for long now, i swear to you. ladybug and i will do our best to defeat him, and then we'll finally be free. all of paris will be!"
marinette giggled and wiped her eyes, which were still glossy with tears. "he won't know what hit him!"
"he'll be cat-atonic with fear," i added, slinging an arm around her shoulder. she sighed and leaned into me, and soon we were holding each other in the middle of her balcony. after a few minutes, i knew i'd have to leave if i didn't want this to be any harder than it already was.
i hesitantly let go, and marinette groaned quietly. "so, i guess this is goodbye?" for now, i added mentally, because i couldn't fully let go. not yet, maybe not ever.
   marinette smiled that beautiful smile of hers that was capable of melting me like andré's sweetheart ice cream on the hottest of days. "no, i think this is more of a 'see you later'. see you later, my kitty."
   i grinned. "see you later, my purr-incess," i quipped, leaning closer to her. my breath caught in my throat as i noticed how close we were, and this time it was marinette who leaned in, closing the space between us and pressing her lips on mine.
it was a sweet, short kiss, but just as beautiful, if not more, than the previous one we'd shared. if that was even possible. it was less tenuous, and it felt hopeful, promising. like marinette was sure it wouldn't be the last one. i felt the exact same way.
   i leapt off, the lovesick grin never leaving my face. it almost felt dumb, because why was i smiling if we'd just said goodbye? but it was a beautiful goodbye, and if i were to drop dead right now, at least it would be with the knowledge that marinette loved me.
   the grin persisted until i heard an awful scream coming from near the seine. i sighed. could nice moments not last for longer than a minute around here?
the source of the sound was a young woman, who seemed to be agonizing over a.... rose? she was crying hysterically and screeching over the thing, as if she were possessed by an akuma. the rose must be the akumatized object!
and just as i was about to go and cataclysm the rose, ladybug fell on top of me, causing us both to fall off the roof i was perched on. her yo-yo caught on a lamp, though, so we were luckily saved from dropping to our dooms. we hung from the lamp, tangled up in ladybug's yo-yo. her face was almost as red as her suit.
"well, hey there. nice of you to drop in," i smirked, playfully mocking her. she giggled as we untangled ourselves and landed on the ground.
"sorry, i didn't do it on purpose," she grinned, albeit bashfully, pulling the yo-yo off the lamp. unlike the first time this happened, she did it gracefully, managing to fix it perfectly without even hitting me in the head with it.
"has the partner my kwami told me about finally learned how to work her yo-yo?"
she rolled her eyes. "still awfully clumsy, but i do work miracles with this thing!"
we headed back up to my vantage point, where we were both able to take a good look at the poor girl who still sobbed over the rose.
"you think she's the akuma?" ladybug questioned.
"those noises she's making... no normal human could make them. the cries are awful!"
ladybug screwed her lips in confusion. "yeah, but i don't think she's the akuma victim. she seems to only be in pain herself, she's not destroying anything. this has to be the work of an akuma though, so whoever did this must be around here somewhere."
as she finished her sentence, another scream was heard coming from behind us. we turned around and found another girl doing the same as the last. and, next to her, another person stood, looking terrifyingly angelic as a dim white light surrounded her and a single, dried rose was pressed on her chest. she held what looked like a scrapbook menacingly in her hands as she spoke. yeah, now that's definitely the akuma.
   "adrien! i've finally got the power to make us fall in love again? where are you? you no longer have to hide! i swear, i will be as perfect as i need as long as you never leave me! i'll make sure you don't," the akuma screamed. i gasped and felt myself go pale.
   "kagami?"
   ladybug clapped her hands over her mouth as soon as i muttered it. "no, kagami? oh, did her and adrien call it quits? noo, awh, i need to comfort her! that's terrible," she  whispered, more to herself than to me.
   "you know her?" i asked. besides the times she'd picked her to fight with us, i really didn't see much of that duo. unless they were friends as civilians.... no. i crossed the thought out of my mind as soon as it entered. if that were the case, ladybug's identity was the most obvious thing in the world. and it made a ton of sense, actually. but that couldn't be the case. and, if it were- which, likely, it wasn't, maybe my brain was just trying too hard to connect the dots- it was none of my business until ladybug herself said anything about it. so i shook my head and let it go.
   "what? oh! no, um, well, sorta? anyway, i heard that adrien boy was definitely a catch! so, it would probably be awful to separate from him, and as a superhero it is my duty to... make sure the citizens of paris are always feeling happy!" she rambled, smiling nervously.
   "uh-huh. right. well, if you want to get to talk to her, we have to save her first. you take the back, i'll take the front as a distraction?"
   ladybug hesitated a moment before nodding. "my bets are on that book she's holding. i need to find a way to destroy it. just, be careful, please?"
   i smiled despite my confusion. she never reminded me to be careful.
   "so, adrien again? what is it with him, anyway? i personally find myself much more radiant, carefree and dreamy," i yelled, effectively drawing the akuma's attention to me. she seethed.
   "he's perfect! don't you dare compare yourself to him, you mangy street cat!" she yelled back, shooting something out of her book at me. i barely managed to dodge it and head closer to her.
   "i don't know, i wouldn't call him 'perfect'. i'm sure he cries himself to sleep in his room while watching rom-coms in his ladybug pajamas like the rest of us," i shrugged, and ladybug laughed loudly from behind the akumatized kagami. i didn't know whether to feel honored at the reaction, or annoyed that she'd been detected.
   "you really think he's got ladybug pajamas?" she asked. oh, because that was the most shocking part of that to her? did everyone know i did those things?
   "and boxers," i winked.
   "ha! i'd pay to see that!"
   i blushed despite the ridiculousness of it all. it was a joke, and i wasn't even infatuated with ladybug anymore, but somehow it was still enough to make me go red.
   kagami grumbled from between us. "stop acting like a disgusting couple! you are not allowed to have that!" she yelled, aiming her book at ladybug. i pushed ladybug out of the way just in time, and the ray from the book hit a nearby building. it disintegrated upon the touch.
   "we are not a couple!" i stated, and ladybug remained silent beneath me. her wide eyes gave way to a smirk.
   "no longer calling us a couple, huh?"
   "and you're no longer denying it, bugaboo? have we switched places?" for some reason, she blushed, and neither of us had the time to react to it as kagami attempted to zap us yet again.
   "stand still so i could retrieve your love and have it for adrien and i!"
   we ran until we finally lost her and took cover in an alleyway. ladybug called out her lucky charm and got two tickets to the jagged stone movie. the showtime was the exact same as the one i'd gone to earlier.
   "what on earth am i going to do with tickets that aren't even valid anymore?"
   "uh, maybe the tickets have something to do with kagami and adrien?" i shrugged, attempting to sound confused. because the tickets did indeed have something to do with them. and many other things that happened today.
   "hm. you're right! oh, um, maybe if i show them to her or something, something will happen!"
   as soon as we found the akuma again and showed her the tickets, her anger satiated and turned to sadness. i felt awful knowing i'd likely been the root of it.
   "how did you get those? those should be in my scrapbook," she declared feebly, pointing at the book she held. ladybug and i headed closer to her, taking small, measured steps.
   "oh, would you like me to put them in it for you?" ladybug asked, turning to me briefly as if to question if i knew what was happening. i nodded once, already being sure of what she wanted me to do.
   kagami was unaware of the exchange as she nodded and opened up a blank page for ladybug to set the tickets in. she held the book to us, and i ignored her "no!" as i cataclysmed it. she fell to the ground as ladybug purified the akuma and her miraculous ladybugs reverted the city to its previous state.
   kagami hunched over defeatedly on the pavement, and i gently helped her up. she thanked me and i smiled sadly, knowing she didn't owe me any thanks at all.
  "for the record, kagami, just because this adrien dude didn't love you doesn't mean you weren't good enough. i've seen you in action, and you are incredible! one day, you'll find someone worthy of your love," i assured her, patting her on the shoulder once. she nodded and ladybug smiled warmly behind us, her eyes soft and a hand over her heart. it took her a few seconds to realize we were done talking and were now looking at her confusedly, and when she did she quickly straightened up and cleared her throat.
   "oh, um, i'll take her if you'd like, chat," she offered, and i accepted, bidding them both goodbye.
   as soon as i made it home, i slumped onto bed tiredly and de-transformed. plagg happily accepted the cheese i held out to him.
   "so, finally got to kiss your girlfriend?" he asked between bites. i sighed happily as i recalled the sensation of our kiss.
   "mmm, yeah. she's not my girlfriend, though."
   "oh, that's right! so why are you happy, again?"
   "because, plagg, she didn't reject me, she just said now wasn't the right time to go out. and i'm willing to wait as long as necessary," i promised. plagg groaned.
   "you humans make no sense. aren't you even a little sad?"
   "well, sort of. it is unfair that we have to wait because of hawkmoth. and i do wish we were able to have a normal relationship. but i'd rather not focus on that," i shrugged, ignoring the little bits of sadness that tried to creep up on me. i would not mope about this. she loved me back, and that would keep me going.
   "so you won't even try to ask her out as adrien?"
   i considered it. the thought was very tempting. but it would be the same as lying, and i wasn't going to lie to marinette. i shook my head and plagg rolled his eyes.
   "i don't believe you, but whatever. i'm going to take a nap. goodnight."
   i chuckled. "yeah, okay, goodnight, plagg."

(a/n: ok tbh i was originally considering making the marichat goodbye bitter as hell but decided against it bc i really dont see either of them being THATTT mad at e/o for it and as much as i love angst i didn't want to be sad or make any of u mmm throw ur phones across rooms lol <3)