pulling on your heart to push my luck

Practice Makes Perfect

We planned for her to try meditating the following night. The goal wasn't to get to the Spirit World, but to ease her way back into it. The first night we would see if she could get into a meditative state at all, and she would try to meditate a little longer each night afterwards until the night of the Solstice. I figured that the increase in spiritual energy would help her get to the Spirit World, because she had confessed to me that she hadn't felt Raava since being poisoned.

"Can I tell you a secret?" She asked as we finalized our plans.

"You can tell me anything," I told her.

She couldn't even look me in the eye, and I foolishly hoped it would be something else. I spent the rest of the day kicking myself for being so selfishly enamored to think it might have been about me.

Nighttime came, and I chewed off all my fingernails waiting for Tonraq and Senna to fall asleep. Korra and I had planned to turn in early in hopes that they would follow suit. She didn't want them to know about our plan. They were already overly cautious with her, understandably so, but she didn't want them to stop her from trying. She and I knew it was just meditation. What was the worst that could happen, besides a flashback or a panic attack?

I had kept her body safe before. I thought I knew what to expect, but given Korra's recurring nightmares and inability to meditate since she was poisoned, this time was more nerve-racking than the last.

I didn't realize that I had ripped out a hangnail until the tear in my skin stung and I tasted blood. "Shit," I mumbled, applying pressure to stop the bleeding. Korra couldn't know how anxious I was. I think I feared her having a panic attack more than she did. I knew she could handle it, and so did she, but I couldn't bear to watch it happen. I knew what that surge of fear felt like and it hurt to know that it was something she had been suffering from for months. She needed to go into this with a clear head and she wouldn't be able to do that if I was freaking out when I was supposed to keep her safe.

Tonraq's heavy breathing finally dragged into longer snores, and I crept down the hall, a roll of blueprints shoved under my arm, and into the kitchen so I could make us a pot of tea. Korra laughed as I entered her room with the tray, the jar of honey not-so-carefully hidden behind the pot.

"Sore throat?"

"Fuck off," I said, pouring her a cup. "I figured having some tea first might help relieve any anxiety."

"Good point."

"How are you feeling?" I asked.

She looked up at me from behind her mug with a glimpse of a smile. "I feel ready," she said. Her voice had a certain conviction to it that I hadn't heard in months. "I'm glad you're here."

"Of course," I said, as if I wouldn't be. "Is there anything you want me to know before you start?"

"Huh?"

"You know," I cleared my throat, "is there anything I should or shouldn't do? Like if you have a panic attack, what do you need?"

"Oh! Uh," she laughed, then waited to catch her breath before continuing. "Just pull me back, I guess. Help me realize that I'm safe here with you."

"I can do that," I promised, and forced down the uncomfortable feeling in my throat with a sip of tea.

We drank in silence, listening carefully to make sure her parents didn't wake up, but wound up glancing at each other and giggling whenever we made eye contact. It quickly turned into a game–we'd both look away from each other and gaze around the room, and at some point one of us would stare at the other until she noticed. And then you'd look away as you realized she was about to glance at you and realize you had been watching. Every so often, one of us would catch the other looking. I think the unspoken rule was that you lost if you were caught staring.