All I Ever Wanted (Larry Stylinson)

Chapter 31

Chapter 31

We didn't have to go to work the next day because the contestants were only in need of the choreographers and singing instructors, and we judges had already stepped in and helped them with what needed to be rearranged for the live show. We were going in tomorrow, though, to make sure everything was as intended.

If I were honest, I was a bit disappointed that we weren't going there today because I felt an urge to meet Harry after his phone call last night. I wanted to make sure he was alright, that he wasn't putting himself down for this too since it was obvious it bothered him that he couldn't bring himself to stay at Leah's place.

I felt split on what to think about the situation. Since I still loved him, I couldn't help but be a bit relieved that things weren't working between them, but when I heard how sad he was about it, I felt as though my feelings didn't matter. Because all I wanted was for him to be happy, so if he was upset about not being able to stay with her, then I couldn't find relief in it.

All this made me think of why he felt like he couldn't date in the first place. He had made it clear that he didn't want to talk to me about it, seeing as he had become defensive as soon as I mentioned the words 'maybe you feel that way because it's not right', which in this case could only mean one thing; he knew it was true. He was most likely aware of why he felt uncomfortable dating these people. He just didn't like the reason behind it.

Which made my thoughts land on me. If he didn't want to talk to me about it specifically, considering our past, I couldn't see any other reason why, if not because he wasn't completely over our relationship.

And if that was true, it most likely added to why he didn't want us to get closer. I knew that he avoided me because he was scared of getting hurt again. So if these two reasons were added together, he had an even greater motive to avoid me since that would mean I meant more to him than he wanted me to.

Coming to this realization should probably make me happy, but it only made me sad because I wanted it to be under different circumstances. I didn't want him to hate the fact that I still meant something to him. I wanted him to like it, embrace it and be happy about it.

With a deep sigh, I looked down at the notebook on my lap. I was sitting on my couch in the living room, trying to write another song. It had been easier lately. It was like my hands and brain worked together with barely any effort. Every time I knew what to write about, it was like it came naturally to me.

Pursing my lips, I tilted my head to the side as I read the words I had scribbled down the last couple of days.

Never been so defenceless. Never been so defenceless. You just keep on building up your fences, but I've never been so defenceless.

They were some of the most honest words I had written in a long time. I had tried my best to get through to Harry even if he was building up all these walls between us. Some of them had started to fall, but I knew it would take time to make them all do so. I just hoped he would realize how much I still cared about him and that I had never stopped doing so.

Biting my bottom lip, I fiddled with the pen in my hand before pressing it against the paper. I could feel my heart thump in my chest as I let my hand write the following words.

I hope that I'm not asking too much, just wanna be loved by you. And I'm too tired to be tough, just wanna be loved by you.

I stared at the lyrics for at least thirty seconds, feeling insecure about them. I was definitely asking too much. I wasn't sure if I could even add them to the song because things would be too obvious. This entire song was too obvious. If Harry ever listened to it, he would know how strong my feelings were for him, which was kind of what I wanted, but I knew it would only scare him away as things were now.