Strength doesn't make a hero

Chapter 1.7

A/N I hope you enjoy this new chapter.

⚠️TW: panic attack, and idk a lot of angst I guess. ⚠️

The apartment was quiet. Keigo had went to sleep two hours ago.

But Izuku was still was wide awake.

His eyes stung, he hadn't slept properly for days. Since the incident in the mall, to be precise. He couldn't help but to let all the guilt seep through him. And there was a lot of it. The responsibility for his mother's death. Suzuki's fate. Hawk's bad conscience that only existed because he was such an antisocial monster.

All he wanted to do, was to apologize. The urge was so strong his chest tightened, every time he let his guard down and his thoughts wander. But how could he apologize? His mother was dead, he didn't know where he could find Suzuki and he was too afraid to face Keigo.

He felt so sorry for hurting Keigo, but it was just too much for him. A few days ago he thought that life just hated him, but now? Now he knew, he deserved to be treated like less than a human.

That, of course, wasn't true, everybody should be treated equally. But his mind kept telling him, that it was all his fault.

It was his fault that his mother died.

It was his fault that Suzuki was deaf.

It was his fault that Keigo was hurt.

My fault, my fault.

Everything had come back to him and made his last few days feel like a living hell.

After the warmth he had started to feel since he lived with Keigo, he never thought that he would miss the numbness he felt just a week ago. His feelings only hurt and he didn't know how to cope.

He didn't want to hurt Keigo like this. He really didn't. But he just couldn't deal with anyone right now. Sometimes, he could swear that he heard quiet sobs coming from Keigo's room and he felt so damn guilty.

Why am I hated by life itself? He never was alone. His thoughts constantly crept around him. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't ignore them. Until he accepted the inevitable truth. Why am I such a useless Monster?

Tears left his once dull eyes which were now full of pain, regret and guilt, but it was hard to see. For the others his eyes looked just as dull as they were, but Izuku could see the pain, he could feel the pain. Tears kept leaking out of his eyes, his nose kept running. He was just a shell full of pain.

His head hurt from crying and the lack of sleep. His eyes were red and puffy, his stomach ached because he hadn't eaten for way too long. But every time he tried he just wasn't able to swallow without the urge to throw it up the next second. His muscles were slowly decreasing, his skin paled, dark eye bags formed under his eyes. He could be easily mistaken for a zombie.

Every now and then Keigo would check on him and force him to eat something, even though he had no appetite at all. Izuku was convinced he didn't deserve food, why should he, he was just a weapon. But the look on Keigo's face convinced him to eat at least a bit. He didn't want to hurt the man even more.

Anyway, Keigo shouldn't worry about him. Izuku would be fine on his own.

He might be a weapon, but he wasn't a fighter. He was just a broken boy beyond repair. Why does he even bother?

Exhaustion kicked in, but Izuku did his best to stay awake to avoid the nightmares.

He couldn't even get himself to care which day it is. It could be hours, days or weeks and he wouldn't know. He lost his sense of time.