Ashes to Ashes

Trauma

Yours and Clint's monitors began to erratically beep before you were brought back to present time.

You had collapsed onto the ground as everybody had talked about how the time heist worked. It wasn't until Bruce looked around that he realized that something was wrong.

"Y/N, where's Nat?" He asked you.

You couldn't speak. All you could do was sob. Clint knelt down beside you and hugged you tight. He was horrified but he looked away before Nat hit the bottom but he knew you helped her but by doing so, you traumatized yourself in the process.

"Clint? Where's Natasha?" Bruce asked again.

Clint didn't answer and by not giving an answer, he was giving an answer. Everybody immediately got quiet and Bruce dropped to the ground. Although him and Natasha's relationship was in the past, he loved her dearly and his heart broke knowing she was gone.

Though it took a while, you were able to compose yourself enough to move outside to the dock. It took everything in you not to break down once more since you and Natasha had spent so much time on that dock talking and bonding over the years.

Thor didn't believe Natasha's death was real and you had to keep yourself from lashing out at him. It was very real. You were broken and traumatized. You had lost three of the most important people to you but Natasha risked it all in hopes that you would get two of them back.

"Y/N, can we talk?" Bruce asked, pulling you to the side.

"What is it?" You asked, almost inaudible.

"Did Nat suffer?"

"No," you replied simply. "I made sure she didn't."

"You know she thought the world of you, right?" Clint asked you as he walked over to you and Bruce.

"I was a pain in her ass," you said with a sad smile.

"Thank you for helping her," Clint muttered, pulling you in for a hug.

You and Clint had never been close but he saved your life, just as he had saved Natasha's. Clint had made two calls on two different people and those two people became the best of friends. You were grateful for him.

"I'm sorry I couldn't reach her in time, Clint," you said softly, your eyes filling with tears once more.

"It should've been me," Clint said, his voice breaking.

"It shouldn't have been either of you," you replied as you wiped tears from your face. "I tried so hard to be the one to do it and you both wouldn't let me."

"You what?" Steve asked, overhearing your conversation.

You looked over at Steve and couldn't help but to feel the slightest bit of anger towards him. He is, after all, the one who told Clint and Natasha to protect you.

"You heard me," you replied as you furrowed your brows.

"Why did you try to—" Steve started, only to be cut off by you.

"Natasha didn't deserve to die today. And none of us deserved to have to choose who died," you began to cry once more as you walked past everybody and into the compound to your room.

You didn't know how to feel. It was like losing Sam and Bucky all over again but this felt worse. Cap's Quintet had turned into a trio and now it was a duo and you felt responsible.

You were exhausted but you knew you had to keep going and keep pushing. You were within arms reach of getting everybody back and you didn't want to stop. You owed it to Natasha to not stop.

As you were getting up to splash some water on your face, there was a knock on your door.

"Go away," you muttered.

"Y/N? We're getting ready to start working on the stones," Rocket said through the door.

"I'll be right there, okay?"

You frowned at the door before turning to go to the bathroom to wash your face. As you looked in the mirror, you began to cry softly. All you saw when you looked in the mirror was a monster who let her best friend die because she was afraid to take the jump herself. Out of anger, you punched the mirror, causing it to break, cutting your hand in the process.

"Dammit," you muttered to yourself, not caring about the mirror but rinsing your hand off before meeting everybody to start putting the stones on the gauntlet that Tony had created.

Though it had taken some deciding, Bruce was the best option to put it on. In preparation for the snap, everybody suited up and took position around Bruce but before doing so, Steve pulled you close and kissed your forehead. He knew there was a possibility he could lose you to Sam even though you had told him he wouldn't and he wanted to cherish what could be his last days with you.

"Everyone comes home," you said softly as you took your position once more and to your surprise, almost everybody had repeated it back to you.

As soon as Bruce had the gauntlet on and snapped, you almost felt a sense of relief. It was confirmed that Bruce's snap worked when Clint's phone rang and Laura was on the other end of the line.

Just as everybody was about to start celebrating, the compound was hit by several missiles from above. Everybody was thrown around and you, Rhodey, Rocket, and Bruce were thrown together in the lowest level of the flooding compound.

That was your punishment for letting Natasha die, as if you hadn't dealt with enough trauma for one lifetime.