I'm Sorry, What Did You Say? (boyxboy)

Chapter Thirteen: Regular Occurances

Adrian:

To be honest, I never saw myself doing things like this after I had tried so hard to be sober and take care of my problems with a clear head, but I guess nobody can tell the future.

"Oh my God..." I gathered myself into a little ball as I woke up feeling like death. I groaned loudly and clutched my head and stomach, shivering uncontrollably. It was absolutely freezing in here, which is weird... That never happens. Suddenly, I jumped as my door was swung open and it banged against the wall. I hear somebody stomp over to my bed, but never glanced up. I hear them sigh and squeaked when I was lifted off the ground.

"Adrian... What do you think you're doing? This again? You should know this does nothing for you," I looked up at my oldest brother, Keith, and sighed while shaking my head.

"I don't know what you are talking about, Keith-" I was suddenly on my own two feet, facing my (normally closed) window that was wide open, giving a lovely view of the reason I felt like death ate me whole, then puked me back up. There sat a whole empty bottle of Jack Daniels and many cigarette butts littered around it.

"Aiden, if you needed something to get your mind off of everything, you could have come to me. You are my brother, and I will support you through everything. I know things are hard, and I'm so sorry you have to go through this because you don't deserve it. Please don't do this crap to yourself again, brother. Last time you resorted to this unhealthy distraction, everybody was so worried and you were so cold to everybody..." I remember this quite well. It was right after everything had happened with Kyle, and I had shut everybody out, drinking and smoking, and I even smoked something a little stronger than a cigarette- if you know what I mean.

I was miserable, and I hated everybody. I shut everybody out and almost failed a grade, just barely scraping by. I was as cold as ice and didn't let anybody get to me. I refused to. Until one day, I made the mistake of finally answering a phone call from Jason while I was drunk and high out of my mind. Jason knew of my location at the time, a dark abandoned building, and jumped in his car to come get me. He was in a car wreck in his rush to come and pick me up. It was then that I realized that I had very valuable people surrounding me that cared about me and they didn't deserve to be closed out like that.

"I can't let anybody- I can't do this, Keith! I can't! I don't want this; I don't want to be gay! A fag!" I was going into hysterics again and I knew it, so I tried to push Keith out of my bedroom, but I was no match for him. "I don't want to be this anymore! I never did! Please... Please..." I continued pleading- to nobody really as my breathing sped up and I started crying and hyperventilating.

"Adrian, It's okay. Shh, baby boy it's going to be alright. You are going to be okay, I promise. Adrian, please stop crying. It's going to be okay," Keith picked me up and carried me to his room, which he knows is my favorite. Being the oldest and most responsible, his is always the cleanest and most neat. Also, he probably owned the most comfortable mattress known to man. I could feel the stares of my siblings as Keith crossed the hallway into his own bedroom, and closed the door with his foot. I had my face buried in his chest as I sobbed so hard my body bounced and shook and trembled with them. I felt him lay me down and join me, pulling me into his chest not too long after.

After a few minutes of him calming me down, it finally all just became so clear. I needed to tell somebody.

"Keith," hiccup, "It's so horrible..." hiccup, "I can't be in the hallways alone or alone during lunch, and," hiccup, "They hit me and," hiccup, "They say horrible things." hiccup, "They make me want to die..." I ended with another hiccup and a fragile whisper. I had his shirt in a death grip as I spilled everything to him. I felt him get more and more tense as the protective older brother side of him started stirring.