All for you | Jesse Pinkman Fanfic

XXII

I tried baking, journaling, and even reading. None of that seemed to bring me joy — What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I like normal hobbies that don't break any laws? 

Jesse stopped reaching out to me and it had been almost 2 weeks since we had our fight. Just like that, our connection was at a complete loss. 

I missed him so much. I was so unfocused I failed one of my tests at school and thankfully the teacher allowed me to rewrite it.

I wanted to put a stop to all this bullshit that I didn't even want in the first place. A real, raw relationship is simply two unperfect people who don't give up on each other. 

And with that mindset, I made my way to Jesse's house. I wanted to talk it out.

If nothing was settled then I think it'd be best just for us to break up or go on a break. I can't keep dancing around the matter, it was eating me alive. 

I called both Brandon and Pete on the way to his house and neither of them talked to him in a few days which worried me — he was a person who needed guidance and I expected his friends to be there when I wasn't. 

I knocked on his door a few times and nobody answered, his car was parked outside so I knew he was here. 

My extra set of keys he gave me for his house was in my purse at home so I couldn't even let myself in (even though it probably wasn't appropriate given our circumstance). All I had on me with my wallet and my personal car and house keys. 

I walked to the backyard and luckily the window was opened slightly. I knocked on this back door a few times but still no answer. This wasn't like him to not answer and I felt my heart start to pound — I could feel overwhelming panic spread throughout my body. 

I managed to open his window and climb in.

I landed right on my stomach with a thud and winded myself. I struggled to catch my breath on his cold hard-wood floor.

Once I managed to get up, I realized that Jane was sleeping in his bed. What the fuck?

Did he cheat on me? It wasn't right to assume anything yet but the thought broke my heart. 

I made my way to the living room and there was Jesse, sleeping on the couch.

His house was disastrous. It looked and smelled as if he was on a week-long bender. I've never seen his place so disgusting and I cringed at the fact that he had been living like this. 

Cans, cigarette buds, trashbags spread across the living room and kitchen floor. But what shocked me was needles scattered on the table.

There had to be at least 10 of them. All used and sitting there, making me feel ill just looking at them.

So he was doing heroin, what the fuck was he doing to himself? And was this my fault?

I didn't pick up the needle but glared at them before deciding to wake up Jesse. I wanted to beat him senseless for ever turning to this shit — nothing good will come from that. 

"Jesse Pinkman wake the fuck up!" I said loudly, "NOW!"

I watched his eyes flutter open and he rubbed his eyes as he sat up. Seeing him look so innocent and peaceful sleeping in his filthy house made me want to smack him until his brain clicked again. 

"Hailey, baby—"

"Save it." I snapped, "What the fuck have you been doing?"

He tried to stand up but I put my hand in the stop motion and he sat back down.

"I— we have just been trying some new stuff. I can stop at anytime." He said and it sounded like he was trying to excuse his behaviour.

"From the looks of it, I don't think you want to stop. Oh yeah, why is she in your bed?" I asked, my voice wavering at the thoughts of what might have happened in there — the bed that we slept on together, the bed I fucking picked out for us! 

"It's not what you think." He said, slurring his words."We both just got fucked up and I let her crash here — no b-biggie."

"Thought she was never around?" I said bitterly, "I wanted to talk but I think I know what I want and this isn't it."

"Wait please." He begged me, his eyes drooping though I couldn't tell if that was just an effect of the drugs in his system. "I just needed to get my mind off everything and—"

"I did too but you didn't see me shooting heroin with her." I scoffed, shaking my head. "I wanted to come here and talk shit out but I'm done... with everything."

He stood up, wobbling but catching his balance. "I didn't do anything with her though.... she was there when you weren't."

It felt like someone punched me in my stomach, all the wind getting knocked out of me again. She was my replacement.

"Great, she can be your new girlfriend now — she can take my place." I spat, my lip trembling. "That bitch can help you cook and fight drug dealers... I'm sure she'll enjoy all the freebies you'll give her!" 

"No... No, I don't want her, I want you... I'll kick her out."

"The damage is done. Being without you realized that I do nothing other than give you my all. I sat in my room for the past week just staring at the fucking wall because all I've been doing is saving your ass from stupid fucking decisions."

"My job isn't normal." 

"I wish you'd listen to what I'm saying instead of making excuses for yourself," I shouted, I felt tears stinging my eyes.

"Let me fix this... I throw out everything for you! Tell me how to fix this." He said and I backed up trying to leave space between us.

"I'm done." I felt the tears rolling down my cheek and I quickly wiped them off my face — how pathetic of me.

Jesse looked so unwell and it only made me sick to look at. From his drooping eyes to his horrible hygiene, it was all too much for me. To see him fading away right in front of me. 

"I need y-you." Jesse cried out, his voice breaking.

"I needed you to but fuck—" I was stuttering at this point, "This was never going to work out, you're free to fuck whoever you want now."

Jesse's body language seemed to be delayed, taking another glance at him, I don't think I could mentally deal with him on drugs anymore.

I managed to stop most of the drugs when we were dating and I know that you can't just quit whenever you please but I made sure to help him through it but I couldn't spend my life mothering him. I needed someone who was clean, who had a normal fucking job, who I didn't feel the need to save or check up on in fear of an overdose. I shouldn't have tried to fix him by myself, I hurt him by having him depend on me. 

"I don't— shit Hailey. I don't need anyone but you." 

"Get yourself clean, get a good job, get your life together Jess. You deserve a life worth living — not one where you're barely living."

"I'm living! I can be clean." He sighed. As if I'd ever believe that lie again. "It was just a little— it was a slip-up."

"Your mental process right now is like a laggy desktop!" I told him still trying to hold myself off from balling my eyes. "How many times have I had to pull a pipe or a line away from you? I've tried— I can't be there every time and that's my fault for having you rely on me... for that I'm sorry but I-I'll see you around."

I walked out of his house, Jesse was calling me but I couldn't turn around. I didn't want him to see any doubt of my face — that I didn't believe or like what I just said. He needed to get over me so he could get better. 

It was all my fault that Jesse was using. It makes me feel like something hot and heavy's pressing into my head, my neck buckling under the weight of it. It was difficult to walk and I sure as hell couldn't keep my head held high. 

Guilt is a feeling I've never made much peace with. I find that when it rears its head, it brings an army. When I feel guilty for one thing, I start to see all the other things I should feel guilty for.