My One And Only // {Johnnyboy}

Chapter Eight: Confessions

Johnny pulled and sawed and chopped my hair.  Sadness filled the cold damp church.  I was lost in my thoughts when Johnny said "Hey, Ponyboy, are you ready for the bleach?"

"Guess so."

When he was done, Johnny found an old mirror.  I looked in.  I didn't look bad, but I didn't like it.

"Alright, I'm ready." said Johnny, handing me his knife.  I did the best I could without scissors.  Johnny didn't look that bad.  At least you could see his eyebrows now.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere I started crying.  I was so overwhelmed by everything that I broke down.

"Ponyboy, it's just hair.  It's gonna grow back."  Johnny said as he ran over to where I was sitting in the church.

"It's not just that.  I almost drowned, and you killed a man, and Darry hit me, and Soda's probably worried, and I'm somewhat wrapped up in a murder case, and we're probably wanted dead or alive now, and I think you're..." but I stopped myself.  I had almost confessed my love by accident.  I had to be more careful.

To my surprise, Johnny started crying too.  "Oh, Pony, don't you know how hard it is to live with yourself knowing that you've killed some kid?  I can't keep trying to act like nothing's wrong.  I can barely get to sleep at night!  And to make things worse, I know my parents don't give two flying shits about where I am right now.  They wouldn't care if I died tomorrow!"  He was crying hard.  I could tell that it'd been a while since he's had a good cry, so I draped my arms around his shoulders and pulled him in close.  We sat there and cried for what seemed like forever, but the good kind of forever.  The kind that you don't want to stop.  Even if it is just crying.

We had moved outside to watch the sunset. Johnny was resting his head on my lap.  I was running my fingers through his hair.  A thought crossed my mind that kind of startled me.  Tell him.  You know, the gay thing.  My heart started beating faster.  It's just two simple words.  Stop it, brain.  I'm... No.  gay.  Stop.  But the voice started taking over.

"Hey Johnny, can I tell you something?"

stop it you moron

He looked up at me.  "Yeah, what's up?"

don't don't don't don't don't.

"So, uh, I've been thinking about this a lot..."

please god make me stop talking

"...and it's kind of big."

is it possible to punch myself in the face?

He looked a bit concerned.  "You didn't kill someone too, did you?"

"What? No! God no.  It's just, something I haven't really told anyone, and it's kind of been eating me up inside."

let's keep it that way, please.

"Pony, you know you can tell me anything, right?  You shouldn't have to go through whatever this is you're going through alone.  I'm here for you, whether you like it or not." he said with a soft smile.  God, why does he have to be so god damn cute?  He sat up next to me and held my hand.  He looked into my eyes with his warm, gentle gaze.

well, I guess there's no going back now

I took a deep breath.  Well, it was probably more like five or six before I got the courage to start talking again.

"Johnny, you're good at keeping secrets, right?"

stop stalling and just say it already

"Whatever you say to me will stay to me."

My heart was beating and my palms were sweating and I felt my face turn red.  I took one more very deep breath and I was off.

"Johnny, I'm-" I started getting a little choked up.  A few tears ran down my face when I finally spat it out.

"I'm gay.  And I think I'm in love with you."