What Cannot Be Verbally Expressed

NINETEEN

i talked to my therapist today

they said that im really head over heels for you

they let me talk about you as much as i wanted,

but i did not allow your name to escape my mouth

i kept you a secret from everyone

i plan to keep it that way.

i won't keep my feelings a secret,

no, that's not my intention.

my intention is to eventually let you realize that i am here, on my knees begging with scraped hands and tears pooling in my eyes,

because of you.

but i love you so much that

i don't need to be on my feet to have balance, as long as you're in my life.

my hands could be scraped and shredded but i would still want you to hold them even though the contact from your hand would make mine sting and burn like hell.

and there can be an ocean in my eyes, tears rolling down my cheeks like diamonds that shine and glimmer, but i would still give up every diamond in my possession just to be able to say that you are a part of my life.

you mean so much to me

i don't hide it very well

i tried, but i didn't succeed

so instead i wear my love and appreciation of your existence and the idea of you, as though it were a badge with needles that are poked under my skin and through my veins, securing itself in place.

but the badge is blank

only the people who take a closer look at the badge

have found out who you are.

and it's quite sad to think that

you don't even know what you are to me

you are not "perfect"

you are not "extraordinary"

you are not anything that i can simply describe with words

but let's just say that if you needed a ladder to climb to the moon

i would gladly take every bone in my body and let you use them as stepping stones to your dreams

because your happiness means the world to me

the entire universe