Dear Bianca. Where Did You Go?
Poem by Dana Young
I lost my cousin. Not thru death but in life.
She was there when I needed her as a teen when I went thru strife
Then it seemed like something happened.
We hung out and then we didn't
Anymore.
I can't figure out what went wrong.
Did she hate me all along
Or did my disappearance from online
Move me to the back of her mind.
And then vanish completely.
I think back to when we were kids
And it seemed like we'd be close as long as we lived.
Now I feel like a stranger, not seen, heard or liked
And ignored even if its just a message i type.
My "happy birthday Cuz" fell on deaf ears.
Not ever read by her.
To see her online and know I am invisible burns like a slow fire.
I just miss her even if I never see her
I left FB because I needed a breather.
I needed a mental break so I wouldn't break down.
But I lost my cousin somehow.
I wish I knew how I lost her so that i can fix it.
If its possible to fix.
Its an impossible math problem to solve.
Its hard to live in silence when my thoughts are so loud.
Living in a bubble of self doubt, depression and anxiety
No appetite for life, food or any variety
Of things that I used to love.
This is why I needed to be free.
Free of the chains of Instagram and FB.
Free to try to rediscover myself
To try to find a way to help
Make my life a little more normal.
Writing poetry is like keeping a journal
Its a way to stay sane
To write down my feelings and ease the pain. To bring understanding where there is none.
I can joke around and find ways to have fun. But its not enough to bring back the sun
Or The bright and cheeriness to the days
The laughter isn't enough to cancel out my greys
The hair that turned from a lifetime of stress
And pain that i buried deep in my chest.
As I repeated forever that I am blessed
To see another day
That it would be selfish and evil to wish my life away.
So I deal and deal until my hand has run out
But the symptoms grow until the words in my mouth
Don't match my actions or desires
Don't match my thoughts. I am a liar
I say i am fine so many times that I believe it.
But help seems gone when I actually need it.
When I actually seek it.
Its nowhere to be found.
it seems I always mess up something
Even without really trying or knowing.
I lost my cousin. Not thru death but in life
And I will always wonder the reason why
Why she chose to forget this side of the family tree.
Was it a major familial reason or was it really... me?
