Traitorously Treacherous Thoughts
Poem by Dana Young
(C) Dana Young 2020
I can't win this war with you.
I can't watch my friends leave one by one
Taking my heart with them, shattered once again
From my own haunted and traumatized way of thinking.
I cant watch another wound form in my already fractured way of thinking and living.
Can't watch another person struggle to connect with me but like water I slip through their desperate grasp.
I dont have enough armor or ammunition to withstand the wounds or stand my ground.
I dont have the patience or ability to communicate my frustrations and fears.
I cant be the one to seperate fact from fiction.
I am NOT a librarian.
My life is not lived through stories and Im not successful at creating my own story into a best seller.
This war can not be won.
I gave up before my feet even touched the hot and deadly sand
Before my hand could form calluses from the many battles fought without weapons.
Without a voice or choice in this war.
I once wrote that the war is over but it lives on in me.
In my thoughts that defy my need for sanity
Like a rebellious child that ignores reason and rules.
My mind is against me. Fighting a battle that is uneven
Ive already surrendered so it isn't a fair fight.
I got a few good hits in but my mind huffed and said "ha! You almost had it. You gotta be quicker than th...." Those who hurt you and left scars that havent healed.
Inside your skin. 20,000 leagues beneath the sea... of memories and claustrophobic thoughts.
Quicker than those who stole your breath when you were just learning to breathe.
Who took your voice when you just learned to speak.
Now I am here, fighting a losing battle.
Ive been given a "fatality" before my mind could shout "Finish him!" Finish her. Finish me. Stuck in my own personal mortal kombat.
But the game cant be won or turned off for later usage.
There are no trophies or fun as I watch another bond be broken. Another friendship or relationship ended before it could begin
Another spoken word silenced in the deafening boom of my traitorously treacherous thoughts.
That reassure me that all is well as another person falls victim to loving me.
And trying to pull me from the trenches of another pit I allow myself to sink in.
A quicksand that leads to nowhere.
As I allow myself to be the saboteur of everything because I am better off alone
And forgotten.
Though it hurts to sever ties...the reality of another form of pain comes with closeness to people. A vulnerability that I havent yet allowed my heart to feel. My indecisive mind rejects any notion of touch and close proximity.
My mind goes into a frenzy triggering anxiety.
A reminder that I am not safe unless I am alone.
Safety isn't only physical.
Sometimes it's emotional, psychological, spiritual...
Sometimes you anticipate the worst so you avoid the best case scenarios...
This battle has too many casualties. Too many times that I decided I was better off alone, craving attention but running as fast as I can. In an endless horror movie hallway with no way out.
I want to fight but the question remains if I have the ability to fight off my mindless bully.
That deceptively seems like a friend. But is a foe disguised
Who doesn't like to see me smile or overcome my past or my thoughts.
Am I strong enough to fight and if I do enter the battlefield with all of the psychological, strategically placed land mines.
Am I strong enough to win?
