Crimson Notion

eighteen

e.d warning loves :(

pls, contact me for help if you want it. i love you & you're beautiful

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Betrayal.

That's all I feel right now.

I feel betrayed and embarrassed.

I don't know why Harry was so upset by my reaction to Liam finding out he kidnapped me. Like honestly what did he expect? He should've known I'd be happy about it. It's a possible chance to see my brother again and to go home.

He also should've had enough human decency to not openly tell everyone that I was used as a punching bag for a year. I'm a stupid girl for ever telling him that. I should've known better than to trust him with something so personal like that.

Harry is a gang leader, a possible murderer, and a downright fucking asshole. He is so bipolar that it gives me whiplash. One second he is holding me against him calling me pretty then the next he is exposing my deepest secret to the people I was starting to consider my friends.

I hate myself for letting him creep his way into my head to pull information out of me. Even though he did know the basics of what Eric did to me, it doesn't mean he had any right releasing it like that.

I'm just glad he doesn't know the full story and I'm gonna keep it that way.

I have never been so embarrassed in my fucking life than in that room when those hurtful words fell from his cursed lips.

"Go then. Bet you'll be happier while getting beat more by that piece of shit ex of yours."

Just hearing those words as they replay over and over again in my mind these past few days has made me go back to the thing that I once let go of. I realized my worth back then and stopped but now I don't care anymore.

I can't take the pain anymore.

As the tears freeflow down my face and drip into the toilet bowl below my face, I forcefully shove my finger down my throat and press it against the back of my tongue, causing me to instantly release the contents from my empty stomach into the toilet bowl.

I haven't done this in months and I can't believe I'm ending my streak now but I can't handle this anymore.

I can't handle the fact that my brother didn't give a fuck about me and had me thinking of the possibility that he was dead for years only to find out he's been alive and had a gang. I can't handle the fact that I let my walls come down in front of Harry and that I thought I could trust him enough to tell him the truth about Eric only to have him throw it back in my fucking face.

I can't handle the fact that I'm starting to turn into the old me. The version that was depressed and quiet with an agonizing eating disorder.

The first time I made myself vomit was nearly a year ago when Eric told me that I looked disgusting because of the stretch marks on my thighs. It hurt me so much back then that I didn't think I had another choice. I thought if I did this then I'd feel better and that the stretch marks would go away.

Since then I've learned that stretch marks are beautiful and that you shouldn't feel ashamed of them. It shows a journey for each woman and each journey has a different meaning. Women can get stretch marks during pregnancy, weight gain, weight loss, growth spurts, and even from working out. No matter what way you get them they are beautiful. I'm thankful I've finally learned that.

The thing that sucked was that Eric found different ways to make me feel like shit besides when he'd hit me. The constant mental abuse was exhausting and it was the only way I could cope.