The Last Victory

11. The Search for the Guilt

It was very difficult for Xia to open her parents' room door. Whereby it wasn't even occupied by two, but only by one person. She took another deep breath, then she knocked tentatively. There was no answer, but she had expected that. She opened quietly the door and peered inside. Her mother sat on the bed, her gaze turned towards the window and gave the impression that she wanted to stay in this position for the rest of her life. Reluctantly, her daughter stepped closer to her.
"Mother?" She asked softly.
The peahen didn't move, but a gentle "Mmm?" could be heard.
"We want to lunch. Would you like to eat anything, too, or should I bring it to your room?"
But her mother shook her head, which meant that she wasn't hungry. Xia had actually expected it, but it couldn't go on like this forever.
"Mother." With that, she stood in front of her and put her wings on her mother's wings. "It has been going on for two days now. You have to eat something."
But her mother seemed to have troubles to notice her. "Later. Not today."
Her daughter left the room dejected. No sooner had she locked the door behind her than Sheng met her in the hallway.
"And?"
Xia shook her head. "It hit mother very hard, but father worries me even more." Groaning, she leaned against the door of the room. "He holed up himself in his study room. He doesn't want to eat anything; he doesn't want to see anyone. I'm worried that he'll hurt himself or someone else."
Her brother sighed. "What should we do?"
The two siblings were silent for a while. Until Xia put her wing on his wing. "Mother has to talk to him."
Sheng looked at her in horror. "She can hardly talk alone. If she sees father like that now. I think that would break her."
"Maybe. But maybe others can argue her into doing that. I will encourage the soothsayer and Xinxin to have a little chat with her."
"Do you really think that's wise?" Her brother asked doubtfully. "Why should only mother do it? Wouldn't it be better if we step in for her?"
Xia lowered her gaze. "Maybe... maybe we don't mean as much to him as mother."
Sheng's eyes widened. "Do you really believe that?"
"He doesn't know us," Xia objected and pushed away from the door. "In contrast to mother. He knows her better. And he loves her more, too. So I think... she has more influence on him."
With that, she turned away and ran down the hall, while Sheng watched her go in silence.

It was dark in the study room. No lights were on. All windows were bolted and locked. No light came through, even though it was at dusk. The white lord had retired to the farthest corner of the room and had not moved since he had thrown out the panda. Only now and then was his phase of silence interrupted by crying and sleeping. The rest of the time he just spent staring into the darkness. He didn't respond to knocking or calls. And nobody could come in anyway because he had locked the door. He just didn't want to see anything or anyone. So it was not surprising that he didn't react when someone knocked on the door.
"Shen?" Only when Yin-Yu's voice came through behind the door, he looked up. "Shen? Could I come in?"
He stayed silent.
"Could you give me a sign of life from you at least?" her voice continued.
A sigh escaped him. "Go away." He didn't want to see her.
"If you don't want to see me, can I talk to you for a moment at least? In front of the door?"
He got up from his seating position, a little ruefully. "What is that supposed to help? Just go."
"I need someone to talk," she insisted on it.
"What do you want?" The sooner it was behind him, the sooner he could be alone again.
"I'm worried about you," Yin-Yu continued. "I just wanted to make sure you weren't doing violence to yourself."
"Why should I?"
"Because you didn't eat anything the last few days."
"You didn't either."
"How do you know?"
Shen was silent for a moment. "I just know that."
"Then you should also know that I ate something again today."
"How can you eat something?!"
The white peacock hit the wall furiously.
There was a brief silence behind the door. "We can't go on like this forever, Shen. Our children would not have wanted that either..."
"HOW DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THAT?!" he yelled. "You never knew them!"
"Shen, I know how you feel. And I don't ask that you have to connive. All I want to tell you is that I don't want to risk losing you."
"My life is none of your business!" Tears welled in his eyes.
He could hear her leaning against the door. "Shen. Please don't make the same mistake as you did in Gongmen City."
The white peacock listened. "How do you mean that?"
"Soothsayer told me a few things about what happened in Gongmen City. I just don't understand one thing." She paused for a moment. "Why did you want to die?"
Shen thought his heart would skip.
"Did you just want everything or nothing at that time?"
The white lord stood in the darkness. Completely alone. With what kind of stuff did that soothsayer turned her head?
"Can't you tell me?" She continued.
Shen's claws dug into the ground. The pain from the past was felt inside of him again.
"Either I had to win or I had to die!" He yelled. "There was no other option for me! Either I died for my victory or I would have been executed. And I had no reason to go on living after my defeat." He broke off briefly. "Or for anyone."
There was another minute of silence until Yin-Yu broke the silence. "When I was married to Xiang at the time, I felt the same way. But I didn't have as great a spirit as you. Your chi is strong. I could only keep my will to live because of my children. If it hadn't been for them - then I would be dead, too. But you know... As hopeless as everything may be, I always hoped for a way out. Just... just promise me that I don't have to strive with you when you are gone." She struggled to hold back her crying. Apparently, her mental powers were as good as used up. "And above all - do not bury your peace with others."
"It was his fault!"
"That's not true, and you know that. You just want to have an explanation for your pain. The main thing is that it wasn't your fault."
"Was it my fault?"
"No. But just promise me you won't throw peace at his feet. He saved you then. Otherwise, we wouldn't be here."
Yin-Yu hid her face in her wings. Somehow, she felt she had made a mistake. Inwardly, she hoped Shen wouldn't catch it. But they were like one. And Shen had caught the thought, unfortunately.
The white peacock took a deep breath. "I wish I had died. Then I would have been spared this."
Yin-Yu slumped. She had never wanted the conversation to end in this direction. But it happened.
"I would have been spared everything!"
They heard him running up and down the room and hitting the walls.
"Shen, please..."
"Go away, go away!" He shouted.
Yin-Yu tried to say something else, but Shen didn't give her a chance to speak. "NOW GO! Just go! Leave me alone! Go! Go! Go!"
She hurried away while Shen pressed his wings against the locked window. Everything burned in him like the fire of his weapons. A pain he couldn't tear out like a knife in his chest. He screamed.
He never wanted to let anything get close to him. Neither she nor anyone else. Why did he let that happen? Why couldn't he escape it all? Wasn't it like light when she kissed him in her love again? Like the phoenix would awaken who swung in the air. There had been a future.
A future...

One day after the wedding day...

The sun was rising, but it was still too early in the morning. But the two didn't care. Shen lay in bed with his back against a pillow while Yin-Yu lay next to him.
"We still have to think about names," she muttered.
Shen stroked her face and lifted her chin so she was facing his face.
"Do you already have one?" He asked.
She smiled. "I already know one, which I would like to have."
Shen raised his eyebrows. "For a boy or for a girl?"
She hugs him, whispering to him: "When the time comes, I'll tell you."
He let himself down to her and the two pressed against each other.
"Don't you want to tell me now?" He begged.
But Yin-Yu shook her head. "Only when it is there."
"Can't you give me a hint yet?" He asked.
She giggled as he rubbed her back. "If you hold it in your wings, I'll tell you."

With a loud scream he struck the window. The boards broke into a thousand pieces. In the next moment, the lord jumped outside and ran across the rooftops. Over the wall, further over the city. He paid no attention to the townspeople, which he met his way. He just wanted to get away. He flew and ran at such a speed through the city gate and from there on and on into the mountains. He raced so fast as if he wanted to break through the universe. He had no goal. He had no idea where he was going.
At some point, just at some point, his burning lung forced him to stop. But before he even came to a standstill, he hit a wall of snow that had survived the spring sun and triggered a small mountain avalanche. With a thundering crash, the mass of snow rolled down and sank into a ravine somewhere. As soon as the last thunder of snow had died down, he collapsed on a rock. There was no force inside of him anymore. Not even to scream. All he could do was breathe. And the time around him went on. Without that he could influence it.