will you be mine

40

I squeeze my sister di's hand tightly as I take my seat, there are so many celebrities here I should feel intimidated but I don't. All I feel loss, I've barely slept in the last 2 weeks and I don't remember the last time I ate more than 2 fork full of food. Its been hard, I knew it wouldn't be easy but I was not prepared for this.

The continuous trips to the hospital over the last month made me feel like I lived there but I had to be by arks side. I put on a brave face for him by applying make up and donning my designer gear before every visit but of course he knew I wasn't ok. How could I be?

Ark left this world in the way he wanted, in his sleep with me beside him. He had chosen to come home to die, his final breath was taken in our bed with his hand in mine. It was sudden but not really, we had known that it could happen at anytime but that didn't mean I was ready for it.

Ark had all but planned his funeral so I didn't even have that to occupy me, I spent the days going through his things and distributing them among his family and friends as he requested. He had dictated where every possession of his went. His daughter got his first platinum album plus the guitar he used when he joined the band. His mother got the leather jacket she worked hard to buy him when he was 15, she had cried when I gave it her along with a handwritten note from ark. Every niece and nephew received a piece of jewellery and some sort of band memorabilia.

Of course he had left me the majority of his things and told me to do with them what I saw fit, he did say that he doesn't want me having a shrine of him and would like me to donate his clothes to the needy. Apart from some sentimental pieces such as the jacket he wore on our first date I did donate the clothes within a week of his passing. It had been heart-breaking, arks daughter Penelope had to loosen my grip and assure me I was doing the best thing.

Being in our LA home without him has been strange, without his things surrounding me it doesn't feel like home. With the help of ludo I brought the remainder of arks band memorabilia from the top floor and spread it across the house. I like seeing his face when I walk in a room.

This is the first time in two weeks that I have left the house, I know people are worried about me but I couldn't find the strength to be around other people. The fact that I'm surrounded by so many important people terrifies me but I need to be here for ark. I need to honour his memory, it's not every day the MTV awards award a posthumous life time achievement award. I'm not sure how I will be able to walk on the stage and accept it, I don't know what I will say. Ark would be so proud, he always said that awards weren't why he made music but he appreciated them. Ark loved to know that his music was loved by more then just the band, he loved that his music touched people.

The show goes by in a blur, it's not until the band starts playing that my ears pick up. It's strange hearing their music being played without live drums but I'm so happy that they didn't replace ark. I don't think my heart could handle seeing anyone behind his drums yet. I know eventually it will happen and I'll have to get use to it but I'm not ready yet.

As robbii sings Rose the song ark wrote about our love I feel my heart swell, I may have lost ark but I was lucky to have ever had him. Out love story is that of books, it's one that would sell out a thousand movie theatres.

Im pulled out of my day dream by my sisters elbow being jabbed in to my side. "that's your que"

I look to the stage and see the screen is full of photos of ark, old band footage plays. It's surreal seeing ark so young and care free. I watch as small clips of interviews are shown, suddenly more recent clips fill the screen. My heart aches as I see photos of us together and a short clip from our private wedding. I wish I could climb into the screen and re live these moments.

The screen goes black and arks name, date of birth and death date fill the screen. The crowd errups into applause, I stand and although I'm shaky I'm able to make it onto the stage to accept arks award. It takes everything I have not to fall to the floor. I look out at the huge crowd and I freeze, I can't do this. Within seconds robbii, chad and ludo join me. With arks best friends by my side I have to courage to speak.

I thank arks family and friends for their support of ark over his life. I thank everyone from the studio execs to his fans. Finally I tell the crowd how much I love ark and how missed he is. How his talent will live forever. I could talk about him forever but I can feel my strength failing, tears stream down my face as I end the speech. Chad and ludo out their arms around me and lead me off the stage.

"you did ark proud" ludo says as he squeezes my shoulder"

I nod but can't help but to think I could have done better, but at least now that's over I can go back to wallowing in self pity at home.