When I died again - Alex Mercer

Day 5

I knew today would be awful, but it was worse than I could have imagined. I woke up basically gasping for air. It took me a few minutes to catch my breath but I got it. I usually hyperventilate when I have panic attacks but this was different. This was how I felt after eating the hotdog.

Willie came in and saw me breathing heavily. "Alex, are you ok?" He asked. "Yeah I- I'm ok." I said while trying to take in more air. "I don't think you're fine." Willie said. Obviously I wasn't great but I could be worse. Willie sat down next me and out his hand on my chest. "You're heart is racing." He said with concern. "Try taking some deep breaths, ok?" I nodded my head and tried. It was hard at first to get the air in but after a few tries I was breathing normally.

The rest of the gang walked in a few minutes later. They all knew today wasn't going to be good and wanted to be there for me. I wasn't going anywhere. They really needed to come up with a plan soon. I did appreciate the company though, being along makes me anxious.

"Guys, I'm really sorry." I said. "What are you sorry about Alex?" Luke asked. "I feel bad that you guys are so worried about me and you have better things to do than take care of me. None of you have played music since I've been sick." They all looked at each other. "Alex, right now our priority is to make sure you get better. We can go a little while without playing." Luke said. "Yeah don't feel bad Alex. We want to take care of you and make sure you get better." Reggie said. I smiled. I really do have the best friends in the world.

We hung out for a little while til I started having trouble breathing again. Luke and Willie helped me walk outside to get some fresh air. I took more deep breaths, just like Willie said. It was still really scary and it kept happening. About every 30 minutes I wouldn't be able to breath for a minute. It went on for almost 3 hours. My friends were by my side the whole time.

"I can't do this!" I cried. "If Caleb is trying to get rid of me why can't he just do it!?" I was distraught. There was so much going on and I just couldn't handle it. I didn't want to die. I was already away from my family, I couldn't be away from my friends too. Especially Willie. I needed him. I tried to fight it but the sobs took over me again.

Willie put one hand on my shoulder and grabbed my hand with the other. Luke, Julie and Reggie decided to give me some time alone with Willie and they left the studio. "Don't worry Alex." Willie said. "You're going to get through this and I'll be by your side no matter what." Willie always reassured me during tough times. He knew exactly what to say that would help calm me down. I took a few breaths and slowly calm down. I looked at Willie and kissed him on the cheek.

We wrapped our arms around each other and cuddled. I had the chills again but he kept me warm. I had a few breathing attacks but they weren't too bad. I was really hoping this wasn't going to be the new normal. I just wanted to be regular Alex.

I started to feel a breathing attack coming on. I sat up and tried to take deep breaths but no air came in. I tried again. Still nothing. I was getting nervous. Hyperventilation started but it felt like there was almost air around me. Willie held my hand and tried to reassure me but it wasn't working. I felt like I was suffocating. I was about to try for another breath when everything went dark.

"Alex? Alex please wake up. Can you hear me?" I heard a voice say. It was really faint but I could make out what the person was saying. I slowly opened my eyes to see the whole gang over me. "Oh thank god." Willie said with relief. My head was pounding again. "Did I pass out again?" I asked weakly. "Yeah." Luke said. "You did but you're ok. You're a trooper." I looked at him and smiled.

I didn't realize at first but I was on the floor. I felt like I couldn't move. Luke picked me up and put me back on the couch. He was surprisingly strong for a ghost. Willie sat back down next to me and held my hand. "Please don't leave." I said. "Don't worry." He replied. "I'm not going anywhere.