Never The Same

Chapter Twenty-Two

I woke up to the sound of his heartbeat. He was still there, sleeping peacefully. I pushed my hand against the couch to get up and attempted to leave Asher alone. His eyes fluttered and then opened. I was hadn't quite got off the couch by the time he spoke to me.

"So Ellie, is it?"

"Well that's what my friends call me. It's actually Ella."

"That's pretty." He smiled

"Thanks."

I realized that I was still hovering over him. It must have made me nervous because my arms shaker and my wrists buckled. I fell on top of him and when he went forward to catch me, our heads collided.

"Sorry," I said clutching the side of my head.

"No, it was my fault."

He put his arm around my shoulder and I laid beside him again. He had his hand to his head as well, like somehow it would help the pain. Trust me, it didn't. I felt trapped as his arm wrapped around my shoulder and held me in tightly.

"Who is Emma?"

"That," I said, "Would take a few hours and a whole bunch of tissues."

"Well I think you owe me?" He ran his fingers through my hair.

"I owe you?" I mimicked his voice.

"Yeah, you do."

"Why?"

"Because I fell in love with her."

I got up from his grip and sat on my side of the couch. He was on the other side like always. He seemed a little irritated that I might not feel the same way.

"I don't owe you anything," I repeated.

"Well," he paused. "I did let you kiss me."

"We are not talking about that."

"So, who's Emma?" He smirked.

"You just never stop, do you?"

"No, not until I get what I want."

"You disgust me."

"Obviously not enough last night."

All I did was shake my head. I had absolutely no response to that. Last night I was vulnerable and it was a wrong place, wrong time kind of deal.

"Come on El, how about a game of twenty questions?"

"Only if you stop calling me El. It's Ellie." I felt kind of sad when I remembered Luke calling me El after running the track.

"I could go all 'mom' on you and call you Ella."

"Just ask your question."

"I already asked you, like three times."

"You know Asher, I don't need your sass this early in the morning."

"Fine, should we start off easy?"

"Yes, and now that you've asked your first question, it's my turn." I stopped to think, but I couldn't really find something to start off with. "What's your middle name?"

"Really? That's what you're going to ask? Jacob."

"Asher Jacob Reed?"

"Yeah, has a nice ring to it, you think? So...before you met me and all, what did you want to do with your life?"

"Well, actually Emma and I always wanted to be the first people to win an Oscar Award and not show up to claim it. It sounds stupid, but that was our dream."

"Does this give me permission to ask about this mysterious Em?"

"Nope. It's my turn to ask the question, remember? How's your head feeling?"

"Pretty awful, you?"

"Not much better."

"Ellie, do you miss it?"

"Miss what?" I already knew the question, but I didn't want to know the answer.

"Your old life."

"Of course I do."

"But what about now? Your friends now, would you trade them for your old ones?"

"I-I don't know."

"And Emma, would you trade it for her?"

Tears formed in my eyes, after all this time it finally hit me. I mean I really did miss her once I knew, but at first it was only a missing void. It was almost as if she were still alive and I haven't seen her in a few months. And now I have finally realized that I'm never going to see her again. You don't miss a person when they're gone, you miss them when you need them the most.

"She was my best friend. My twin sister. My better half. There is so many things she was and so many things she could be. And here I am hating myself for wanting to live and at the same time not wanting to. Here I am blaming myself and wondering what I could have done to save her. But the only question is, would it really have helped?"

"El, I'm so sorry."

"I said not to call me El. And I don't need your sympathy. I'm fine."

"I never wanted any of this. It was all Carter's idea. It started as a game but then it escalated. I wish I could go back Ellie, I really do. Back to when we had our one year anniversary and we really loved each other."

"I would go back a little further than that."

"You might not believe it Ellie, but I really did love her. So much that I brought her in the game on my side. The first day Carter wanted her, but she was innocent and sweet. I couldn't let him hurt her. So I said she was mine. And when I threatened to quit the game, he said okay. I'm really sorry. I wish we had never met."

"I would disagree with you, but you're not wrong."

"I guess this is a little more than twenty questions, more like twenty confessions."

"Is there really a difference?" He shrugged his shoulders. "Okay, I've got one. If you knew where I was the entire time, why did you wait to find me?"

"If you had all this time run away, why didn't you?"

I didn't answer him because I didn't have an answer to give. Where was I supposed to go? If I left, he would surely find me. I wanted to think that I truly liked him, but I've been around him too long and there's no one else here to stop his hypnotizing gestures. Part of me still believes that I'm in love with Luke and we were really meant to be. Sometimes I think that all of this is a dream and any moment now I will wake up and tell Emma all about this. But it still doesn't give me an answer.

"I love you Ellie." It was the first time he said those three words.

"How do you know you love me when I've been Emma this whole time."

"Some things you just know."

We were stuck in a minute of silence.

"Would it be a bad time to mention the kiss?"