Never The Same

Chapter Thirteen

I kept telling myself what was happening. And I knew that he was coming, but I wasn't mentally prepared for the traumatizing moment to come. I hoped that maybe Asher and I could just be friends, but I knew that would never happen.

The thing is, I wasn't nervous when I called him. But, when you love someone, you'll do anything for them. Even if it means putting yourself at risk. That was one of the things Emma taught me. And I never forgot it. I never forgot her, like everybody else did.

I know what Asher did to Emma. It was something that couldn't be explained. Something only felt by the heart it affected. And I was half of it. I never knew how she felt until I experienced what she did. Even then I didn't fully understand. I don't think I ever will.

I took out my phone and I dialed Jenna's number. My heart beat faster every time it rang. I felt extremely tense and ready to blurt out the entire truth.

"Hey, this is Jenna-"

"Oh thank goodness."

"I'm not available right now, please leave a message after the beep."

Tears were streaming from my eyes. I had no idea what to do. Although, I'm not sure what I would do if Jenna picked up either. I kind of just wanted to hear her voice one more time.

"I think I've made a terrible mistake, goodbye Jenna."

I took my bag and started heading down the road. It was a fast walk, but not a run. There really is no getting out of this mess I've made. But it's alright, because my mom is okay, Jenna is far from here, and Luke, well, he's out of it all.

No one can get hurt anymore. But only anymore. Brooke is dead because of me. She never got to see the life she planned for. And Emma is gone. Just cause she couldn't live without me. Only anymore, can no one get hurt. It's too late to go back. Forever too late.

I found my way to the cemetery down the road. That's where I buried Emma. It was a sad funeral. I was the only one who showed up. I was the only one who knew about it too. My mom had Emma cremated back in Cali. But when we came to New York, I took the note she left, along with the knife she used to kill herself and buried them.

I sat by her grave, and read the tombstone:

Emma Leigh Hayes
"Never forget your original intention."

"I don't know what to do anymore Emma," I whispered.

"So don't do anything and just let it be," Emma came from the bathroom.

"And what if that is the wrong choice?"

"Don't forget what you wanted in the start, and your choice will always be right," Emma mumbles while brushing her teeth, so I could barely hear a word that she said.

"What?"

She walked back into the bathroom and spit out the toothpaste. And as she walked back out, she took a cup of water in her hand, but waited to drink it. "Don't forget your original intention."

"Never," I respond.

The memory faded away, but in a short distance, behind an oak tree, I still saw Emma. She walked a little closer to me and squatted down behind her grave to get at my level.

"Well this is it," I tell her.

"Why," she asked.

"I have no other choice but to go with him."

"You always have a choice Ellie."

"Not right now Emma. It's time for me to face my reality."

"It doesn't have to be this way."

"Stop. There's nothing I can do. I've already made my choice."

"Fine, have it your way."

She disappeared. And I wanted to believe that she was right, but there was just no way. I looked around until I figured out what she meant.

I stared at the patch of grass that grew with a single flower on top. It was a beautiful little pink thing with five petals. I used my hands to carefully dig around the root, trying so hard not to tear it. I kept digging until I felt the plastic bag beneath my grubby fingers. I pulled it out and reached inside to feel the knife and the note.

Everything around me was as quiet as could be. I heard my heart beat and the sound of breathing in and out. I was felt really tense. When my phone rang, I jumped and started to shake. I knew who it was and I couldn't bear to answer it. I put it in the hole I dug and buried it with the suicide note from Emma.

All that was left was the knife.

I used my first finger and my thumb to slide against the metal. It felt like a sword as I was going into battle. And in a way, I kind of was. A battle against myself, and a battle against Asher. I already feel like the losing team.

I faced the knife towards me and placed the tip to my heart. It was sharp and cold. I took a deep breath in and prepared myself to push the knife in. I couldn't do it, not yet anyways.

A sudden rush of wind came by and the leaves rustled. I looked down to block my face and noticed that my eyes started to water. I looked up and saw Asher a few feet in front of me. He looked concerned and didn't dare to step forward another step.

I lowered the knife a little, to a place where I would still die if I stabbed myself, but it would take a moment for me to bleed out. Neither of us said a thing. We just waited.

I couldn't think clearly. My mind was rushing through all sorts of different things. Like all of the bad choices I've made, and the one life threatening one I have to make now. I thought of all the people I would miss.

But the thing is, none of them would miss me.

I'd like to think they would, but the truth is, everyone would just get over me like they did Emma. It's heart breaking to think about, but everyone just moves on.

So maybe it would be better for everyone if I just didn't exist anymore.