I don't know who will read this... If you are someone who knows me in real life, stop reading, please. And if it someone who knows knowing of me, please feel free to discuss.
I just need to talk about it to someone. Because it feels too strange to say it to the ones I know. And I don't want them to worry or anything. But I really need to talk about it, to express myself I guess. For a long time, I've been making stories, creating a new world, and for a long time, I did not understand truly why I did it. Tonight I did. It's because I'm scared. I'm really scared. Of life, of everything. I don't know how else to put it. I'm scared of living, I'm scared of people, I'm scared me. I suppose the only one I'm not scared of is my cat... And I write to feel in control again, or perhaps for once. Because I feel that, even if the illusion is here that I do, I feel that I have no control over my life. And don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful life, wonderful friends, wonderful family. But I'm not in control of when I'll die, how other people should act and all this.
Maybe it's selfish of me to say that.... I don't know. And that's why I want to talk about it to strangers. This week, I almost had a panic attack (I don't really know how else I should call it.... I wanted to cry and I was angry and sad and powerless) because of some big news regarding my parents that does not concern me. But I just could not stop feeling... I don't know how I was feeling actually. Just weird and freaked out and sad.
I guess that maybe, maybe, just maybe, 0.2% maybe, I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for those world I made. For those stories I made. Because I would have freaked out long ago and perhaps died by having a panic attack.
So yeah, if you read until there, congrats. I hope you aren't a stalker or a psycho but I don't really care... I'm still afraid but oh well. Thank you for being here, for being you, for allowing me to say all that.
Have a good day/night. I love you all ❤
