wideasleepfastawake
this message may be offensive
So. It's been a long while.
Like, quite probably more than a year type long while. Fair warning, this may trigger you if you struggle with bipolar, depression, anxiety, mania, self harm, alcoholism or eating disorders.
Honestly? I haven't logged onto this site in so long because this account, all its ramblings and fanfics and the entirety of 'Star Starers' just brings so much pain, it takes me back to where I was when I was writing these things. Way back into the pits of depression, and frankly? That's not fun, or something I wish to put myself through. When I was writing all this shit, I absolutely hated myself. I was cutting, I was starving myself, I was purging, I was drinking on the daily, I was having regular panic attacks, I was so numb and so empty and so... So fucking sad. I felt worthless. I could not stand myself, and I think that shows in a LOT of what I was producing.
I have since been hospitalised twice for mental illness, and I was put on antidepressants. (Which, admittedly, I never took, and if you've been prescribed them please take them. They may help you, please don't be like me. I beg you.)
However, I'm getting better. I really am. Ever since I logged out of this account, I've been getting better. I don't think it was the fault of wattpad, or of anyone on the site, more of what I was doing and posting and living through as I was active here. I had a lot of shit to sort through and I think I've dealt with... most of it. I've been clean of self harm for over a year, of alcohol for a similar length of time, and I haven't purged in like seven months. I eat enough, I don't have panic attacks often and when I do I know how to deal with them, and I know I have people to help me. I feel okay about myself, and even on my worst days I know there are people who love and support me and I know I'll make it through. [Cont.]
wideasleepfastawake
@wideasleepfastawake Please, do not hurt yourself. If you have thoughts of or want to hurt yourself, please see a counsellor, psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, general physician, or call the number of your country's/state's suicide hotlines. You are not alone, and you will get through this. You do not have to suffer in silence. I'll be logging out of this account permanently soon, but I'll stay logged in for a few days, maybe a week or two, if you'd like to message me and get my instagram so we can stay in touch. Take care of yourself, self care is not selfish. Recovery is for everyone. Love yourself first. [P.S., you guys remember when in an Ask-The-Author I said my closest guy friend was Sebastian? Plot twist, we've been dating for three months now. We're happy, and that's all that matters. You can be happy too :-) ]
