Cin

Please don’t tell me that I eat too much because I’ll stop eating. 
          
          Please don’t tell me to eat more because I won’t listen.
          
          Please don’t tell me to change my diet because I will simply delete my diet altogether.
          
          Please don’t tell me to lose weight because I will, just not in the way that you want, not in a way that is healthy.
          
          Please stop. Please.

Somebody kill me. Please.
          
          I don’t want to wake up tomorrow. Or ever.

Okay, so every time I watch a crime show (it's currently Criminal Minds, but it's been things like NCIS and SWAT), I go back to this idea. I'll tell you my idea because I know I'll never actually write it, and if I do, no one will remember what I've said about it.
          
          Anyway, my idea (and if someone wants to steal this, they can) was to write about a police officer working in a somewhat large city. He has a boyfriend at home, and he's very close to the people that work with him.
          
          But, there's a serial killer, and the serial killer's victimology matches the main character. No one really thinks much of it because the main character is pretty standard--middle-class, 20-30-year-old brunet.
          
          SPOILERS!! Of course, I'll never write this, and if anyone wants to, they can change whatever they want. Um, the serial killer is, in fact, the boyfriend! Surprise! Um, but the climax that I planned out for the book would be the FBI gets called in, and there are so many victims that they accept. Feeling the pressure and eventually devolving, the boyfriend kidnaps the main character and it is a race against time to find the main character alive.
          
          Now, just explaining that get's me really excited to try and write it again, but I am working on so many different projects that I can't keep them straight. There's no way that I could possibly take on a fifth--yes, a FIFTH.
          
          It's out of my head now. It's in the world. If you use it, please let me know. I'd love to read it.

You ever notice how like anime boys never show their foreheads? What the fúck is up with that?

German Shepherds are inherently violent creatures.
          
          A pit bull will inevitably attack you.
          
          Those are lies. My German Shepard’s name is Holly. She was born with big teeth and big claws. She is so afraid of hurting someone that when she takes food from you, she inches up and gets only as close as she needs to.
          
          I’ve been bit by a pit bull. Do you know what I did the day after getting bit? I got a pit-boxer mix. To keep my other pit bull mix company.
          
          No dog is born evil. They are made, molded that way by humanity. I love my dogs with all my fucking heart.

<3

You ever stand up and get really dizzy, but you tell yourself that you’re not going to fall over, and then suddenly you’re sitting in the floor?
          
          Yeah.

So, I'm not okay. I haven't updated my book in two, three weeks maybe. I thought you should all know why; I thought maybe you all deserved an explanation. 
          
          I've posted a few things, saying that I'm in pain--like a lot of pain. I didn't give any context; I didn't feel like it at the time. Some people reached out. They assured me that things would get better. I appreciated the sentiment, I promise, but things aren't getting better, and they aren't going to get better. I'm getting worse.
          
          You see, I'm sick, and it sounds stupid when I put it like that because it's not killing me or anything; I'm not contagious. I'm just... sick. I get migraines, and if you don't know what they are, I'd like to help a little. A few common symptoms are headaches, sensitivity to sound and light, nausea, and lightheadedness. I get all of these almost every day.
          
          I saw a doctor almost two years ago. I had a CT scan. I'm on my third medication, and the dose is as high as it can be, but nothing's working. Over-the-counter painkillers don't help anymore. I'm seeing a neurologist in a week or so.
          
          So, if I'm complaining or venting on here, please understand. I have no one else to talk to. Thank you for understanding.

To those of you who have anxiety:
          
          You ever just wake up and your brain has decided that today is going to be a bad day? Like, apparently, your brain decided that something bad was going to happen, and your body’s reacting to it because it also thinks something bad’a going to happen.
          
          Basically, I’m just sitting here, shaking with this tight feeling in my chest, waiting for the boogie man to jump out of my closet. Am I the only one that does that?

I know I’ve been a lot more active, and that is what it is. I need a favor!
          
          Stream “Ego” by Koren Grace. She is a person of color, and the song is wonderful. Support her, please, because she deserves it!