louie

i hate. this. i hate. being like this. i hate being fucking me with my shitty fucking mind with my shitty fucking emotions and jealousy and i hate never feeling like i'm doing enough i hate that it feels like my BEST FRIEND doesn't want me around as much sometimes like if you don't want to be friends any more then fucking tell me
          
          i miss my little friend group i miss watching it die in front of me i miss what was and what will never be again and i hate knowing that and i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this
          
          i hate
          who i'm becoming 
          because i have never fucking changed and i'm not becoming anyone and it disgusts me 
          
          i am the worst person i know and i wish i could be anything but

ok, im.. bad at staying off websites i guess
          but i just kinda need to talk, mainly to just get feelings out and this was always where i used to put those
          
          but it feels like recently i'm not as happy, i think
          school's been better than past years, ive been trying to be better than past years
          
          i sorta reconnected with my best friend and i have a nice, tiny friendgroup, but
          there are so many people that i dont talk to as much and i miss them and i havent lost them but it feels like im going to and it hurts
          because they've moved off of websites or they're busy and i keep trying to spend time with them but it doesn't work
          and i know it's not great to just spend time with the same people nearly 24/7, ive learned that but also it's. i dont know
          i feel like im not trying enough, yet im trying so hard
          i dont want to have more people i'll think about and miss, or wonder what happened to them
          i'm scared of losing people but i don't know what to do, really
          
          and ive been writing a lot but it's hard now that i need to refocus my attention, and theres other stuff i need to do but i have so many writing projects stacked up against schoolwork and things i want to do in real life or elsewhere or SHOULD be doing and it's so wildly stressful and i really feel like i need to combust or something
          there's other stuff i want to do but im so focused on a certain few things that it feels like i Can't
          
          and things Matter more now and i know they do but yet somehow i don't know if i can bring myself to care very much, and it sucks
          and i go from happy and content to irritable and bored very quickly and it sucks and i don't know how to find a good medium to it all but i feel like im gonna drive myself right into trouble. i can see the exit up ahead and i can't stop the car.
          
          i'm gonna have to learn how to drive it, i guess.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NBXAJlGGcTM
          
          --
          
          see y'all elsewhere.

im trying so hard to eat
          i really am

i don't get it

i don't feel well 

eating is so fucking hard

i feel so shitty
          my heart hurts

this is literally all my fault and i just
          feel so horrible about it
          im sorry, i wish i hadn't done that
          im sorry, i wish i could go back in time 
          im sorry, i just
          i just feel really bad about this all

.